10. You are sitting around when a girl you know is a real bitch comes up to you and says, “You look really put together. Like you aren’t on drugs today.” Your response, “Well, that’s normally the way I tolerate you. Too bad I don’t have that buffer today. Damn those twelve steps.”

9. You have been ranting and raving on the phone about a sucky day you are having when this woman, who is publically breast feeding and has her tits hanging out for all to see, tells you to be quiet because this language will corrupt her child. That’s when you hand the homeless crackhead ten bucks and tell him to grab her tits. That will put her in her place.

8. A rich snob that lives in your neighborhood is putting you and your buddies down again for hanging out on the stoop and laughing loudly. Tell the junkie ex-con who you know has committed a string of robberies in the neighborhood she has twenty bucks on her…..

7. Your roommate has a lady friend you can’t stand that is always making backhanded comments about how you dress when she is a bleach blonde with a bad die job. Casually mention your cousin is getting out of prison after twenty years because he strangled his girlfriend with her bra, stuffed her panties in her mouth, and dumped her body by the train tracks. Then tell he wants to come visit next week to see how much you have grown, and likes platinum blondes.

6. You know this girl who is always doing things for attention. Lately she is claiming a Jamaican guy sexually assaulted her just to see a guy infatuated with her beat someone up. Look at her pretending to be concerned and mention, “I know plenty of Jamaicans. And they never assault anyone with a flat chest. At least not as far as I know.”

5. You are at a gathering when a girl who is dressed like a treasure troll in drag continually makes jokes about you being a slut. Turn to her, smile, and say, “Why? Jealous I get some and you don’t. Im sure if you looked under the draw bridge your Froto would be there for you.”

4. A crazy girl who has been sending you nasty notes on myspace and making your life hell blogs about how she is a responsible mother and how people don’t understand how hard it is. Meanwhile the slut had the four kids to three guys at sixteen. You should comment on the blog, “Wow, must be hard work being a breeding lump. I mean , you lay down on your back a lot but still, gold star for a job shamelessly done.”

3. You recently got a promotion at your job and this girl who is clearly jealous of you is bad mouthing you saying she can’t believe you got it and she didn’t. That’s when you say, “You can’t believe it. Oh ye of little faith.”

2. You see a girl you went to high school with that is a total princess in every respect of the word. When she sees you after years of having not had contact, acts as if she is disgusted by your appearance. That’s when, as you calmly sip your coffee say, “By the way, I contracted Hep C not long ago. Want a sip?”

1. If any of these responses illicit a challenge for a cat fight by any of these party’s tell them you would fight except it is against your policy to assault the mentally handicapped. And then summon the nearest officer of the law when they are yelling and screaming and say you believe they wandered out of a group home and could he help them find their way back. And walk off into the sunset.

A veteran Milwaukee, Wisconsin firefighter was charged with drugging his wife’s tea with his anti-depressant medication because he said he wanted to calm her after an argument.

The 43-year-old man was in the Milwaukee County jail Tuesday on $10,000 bail and was unavailable for comment… but his wife still hasn’t shut up. 

It takes years and YEARS for drugs to be approved for human use.  Yet, in like 20 days of the arrival of the Swine Flu they had already created the Swine Flu Shot.  Granted the shot has killed like 19 people.  But what if it DID cure you of Swine Flu, but also mutated you due to their speedy process?  Like, "Doctor, I AM feeling better now but, I'm a TALKING F*ckin' Turtle, What am I supposed to do now?  I don't even know Karate!"   

...Amy Winehouse spent roughly $14 million on partying while on a 7 month stay in St. Lucia.  Most of the money went to pay for drugs & alcohol, new clothes, and her next 3 re-hab stays.  

Court records say a man told the Salt Lake County Sheriff’s office that he stripped down and streaked near his house to show his girlfriend he was no longer on drugs. Charges say the 26-year old man dropped his shorts and ran naked into a house. When questioned, he said he was trying to prove to his girlfriend that he wasn’t going to use methamphetamines anymore. To prove he no longer uses cocaine; the man snorted a line of Comet kitchen cleanser and farted the tune “Ain’t We Got Fun?”

I was talking to my friend Jessica last night, and she was saying how she rarely drinks, and has never done drugs.  Growing up she saw the effects of drugs and alcohol on her parents, and that's why she's mostly straight edge.

I learned a similar lesson with my mom's addictions.  Growing up she would do an enormous amount of cleaning only to have me mess up the house again. So as an adult bachelor I'm pretty straight edged about not cleaning... I'm just going to mess it up again.  That's called foresight and good time management. 

A German trucker suspected of driving under the influence of drugs crashed his vehicle near Borås in western Sweden on Tuesday. He subsequently admitted to masturbating at the time of the accident. The trucker then proceeded to continue to pleasure himself while in the midst of a police interrogation… clearly laying the groundwork for an impressive insanity defense.

Initially arrested for reckless driving and driving while under the influence of drugs, the suspicions against the trucker have now been extended to sexual molestation—which begs the question… Did his cock file a complaint?

Mackenzie Phillips has her facts all mixed up. She was actually fencing Phillips screwdrivers, at a Phillips 66 gas station, in exchange for drugs.

Walt Disney Co. studio chief Dick Cook, whose studio has come under intense scrutiny of late for the quality of its films, held a staff meeting yesterday to say that he was resigning.

When asked why he was stepping down, Cook replied… “Because I refuse to take the blame for this Mickey Mouse operation!”

A suspicious white powder has been discovered hidden in a shipment of dictionaries.

“Nosey” workers spotted the unprincipled packets — which were headed for Madrid, Spain — at a post office in the Dominican Republic. Officials from the National Drug Control Agency intercepted them and found “a white powder that appears to be cocaine,” sewn into the lining of the books. Wasting no time, the NDCA called in Special Agent Keith Richards, who quickly confirmed the substance to indeed be booger sugar.

This is the third time in two months that drugs have been found sewn into book covers or cards bound for Spain from the Caribbean nation, prompting President Barack Obama to include the Dominican Republic on his list of 20 major drug producers. 

Not surprisingly, Amy Winehouse continues to hold the top spot on his list of 20 major drug consumers.