According to a study on monkeys at the Oregon National Primate Research Center, staying active may be more of a factor in fending off weight gain for adults than cutting calories.  ***MARLAR: For dramatic weight loss, scientists are now suggesting we jump up and down frantically and play on tire swings.

There's a new twist on the beauty pageant in Hungary. They call it "The Miss Plastic" pageant and it's only open to women who have had breast implants, tummy tucks, facelifts and other cosmetic plastic surgeries. But the prizes won't be awarded to the contestants, rather the plastic surgeons who did the work. Judges will not only have to study the contestants' vital statistics but their medical records too. And like all beauty contests, the backstage drama has already begun. Contestant Alexandra Horvath said, "I'm suing my hair supplier because what they supplied caught fire while it was being dyed-- luckily before it had been fitted to my head!" Organizers claim the event allows the contestants, aged from 19 to 38, to celebrate the beautiful bodies they helped to create.  ***MARLAR: Shouldn't they be holding this contest in Silicon Valley? 

Playing penny slot machines has increased dramatically since the recession. 

"You can play longer with less money on penny slots.", says the newsletter, Indiana Gaming Insight. Their next insightful article: "Free, Unlimited Alcohol Provided by Casinos Impairs Judgement During Blackjack Card Counting".

I remember as a kid I would hear the thumping of the shoes in the morning and the close of the door. It was six o’clock in the morning in our quiet suburban hood. We were getting ready for school and a warrior was getting ready to go to the boxing ring. Like Rocky he was ready to fight the enemy, but unlike Rocky the arena was not a boxing ring but in the world of corporate law…..and he had all of his brain cells. His name was Dad.

Yes Dad. At the end of the day we would scramble to tell him the tales of our conquests in school whether it was a fitness award, an academic award, or an A on a math test. However if we were in trouble we hoped to God our mother would catch us. Whenever we got caught red handed we would act like the crook who had been Mirandized and thrown in a jail cell pleading, “Please don’t tell Dad.”

My parents had a great way of playing good cop bad cop. After we had been accused we would be dragged into the living room which would be turned into the interrogation booth. Much like an episode of Homicide Life on the Street we would go in acting all hard and tough denying our sin whether it was not doing the dishes, breaking something, or lying about a missing report card. My mother would play good cop telling us if we told the truth it wouldn’t be so bad. My dad on the other hand was the bad cop informing us, “I know you are lying. I can tell by your eyes. I do this all day you know.” Finally we would break. We would break hard. There would be dramatics. There would be crying. It was like, “Yes Asi, we did it. We lied. But we did not act alone.” And then we would proceed to name names. Then the accomplices would be called in, which in my case was usually my sister. And then the punishment would be dealt accordingly. Sometimes we would be denied television or telephone. But the worst was the stick.

I remember one of my most famous meetings with the stick. I was eight and was a bit of a brat, surprise. I was refusing to listen to my elderly babysitter, gave her a hard time about doing my spelling words, and was downright ornery. To boot I had learned “yinz” “warsh” and “red off the table”, popular slag in my hometown of Pittsburgh, we not real words. My babysitter of course barely had a high school education and I proceeded to correct her. From there I decided to impress everyone with my new vocabulary which included some interesting four letter words. The last straw came after a family day out when I informed my family dinner filled me so much I had to take a dump. Needless to say I met the stick and got my ass beaten. After that day I never disrespected anyone with little education ever again. And I still watch my language in front of my dad. Sure, it may not have pleased Dr. Spock but I know right from wrong and that is more than I can say for a lot of people.

As a kid my Dad was a real history nut. Whenever we would go downstairs Big Battles would be on. The Americans would be storming Normandy Beach yet again. However my favorite were my Dad’s renditions of the Civil War. He read every book pertaining to the time period there was. And the way he would talk about it was brilliant. My Dad forgot more history than anyone ever knew. I remember we were all talking once and my dad informed me that Jefferson Davis attempted to escape from the Yankee soldiers wearing his wife’s dress. I remember being twelve at the time and asked my Dad if his wife ever got her dress back. To which my dad replied, “I don’t know. We could ask him but he’s not here.” To this day I still love history and documentaries. I suppose I have my dad to thank for that one.

Another thing my dad was invested in was our educations. On occasion he even tutored us which was a trip in itself. I remember I had trouble reading and we started reading the paper together which I still read to this day. One thing about my dad though was he knew the value of hard work. As a kid he had a paper route and saved the money. The money put him through college. My Dad was the first in his family to go to a four year college and then he went on to earn an MBA and a law degree. Mind you my grandpa, despite being a master machinist in the mills of Pittsburgh, did not graduate high school. My dad actually worked one summer with my grandpa in the mill. It was the summer Premier Kruschev came to town. Kruschev apparently gave his Timex to this character my dad worked with, a man who was half black half Cherokee. The guy of course being nuts pawned it for forty dollars. Whenever I hear the story it still makes me laugh, but it also makes me realize how lucky I am to have a dad who was invested in making me get an education.

Just as education was big with my family so was fitness. As kids we would all go on family runs. My mother had been a swimming star and had been a captain of her college team while my dad had been a track star. On their second date my dad showed my mom how to do a track relay for her high school gym class and she fell in love with the sport. So we ran as a family. My brother would be forced to run up to the track with my dad, and was usually ragged on for being his less than enthused partner. My sister and I would ride up with our mother and as a family we would all complete a three mile run. We would run rain or snow, my dad didn’t care. One time when my sister was little and it was snowing we made a bend around the track and she disappeared in a snow drift. We went to find her and fished her out. Ironically she would become the star runner of the brood. The crazy thing is, for as much as I hated it as a kid I run every day now. Guess there is no shaking somethings.

My Dad was big into commitments when I was a kid. We would rise every Sunday at seven thirty in the morning for mass….I yawn just thinking about it. My Dad was an usher. He wasn’t just any usher, he was the one to get things going. Until he came to church mass couldn’t start. It was like a Broadway play. My Dad was in charge of deciding who took what aisle for collection and what aisle for communion. He was always catching some old person who fainted as they tended to do, because after all mass must go on. Then there was the taking up of the gifts. Not just anyone could do it, you had to be right for the part. It was something Fosse would have wept at the sight of. Mass was moving smoothly and my dad was the director. Finally there was the giving out of the bulletins at the end of mass. Occasionally my sister and I were drafted. What better touch than kids, right? To my dad’s credit I still go to church every Sunday and even sometimes serve as a reader.

Being from Pittsburgh I am a big football fan, and so is my dad. As a kid the high school game was one we would follow every Friday because my brother played defensive line. Saturday was college and Sunday and Monday, depending on the Monday, were Steeler football. Every Friday we all went to my brother’s games and were usually decked out in buttons in typical Western PA style. One time my dad won the fifty fifty raffle and the announcer requested for Bill Brucker to come to claim his prize. Of course my dad and my brother have the same name so they both looked up at the same time. Finally the announcer had to clarify it. That was just a typical Friday night for us.

But everyone on the booster staff, an organization where my parents were both quite active, appreciated my dad not only for his hard work but his honesty. One year my folks were drafted to do the program, which means selling ads and taking pictures of the kids. One of the football players, actually the quarterback, had taken a picture that was pretty bad. It was probably after a night of partying with the cheerleaders. Because the picture was God awful my parents were going to take it again. My mom called his mom and tried to be the diplomat. This mother was resisting because she too was a bit of a goofball, surprise surprise. That’s when my dad took the phone and informed her, “Maureen, frankly, your son looks like hell.” Needless to say the picture was retaken. My Dad once said it best, while it is best to be brutally honest you shouldn’t enjoy the brutality of the honesty. In essence tell the truth but don’t be nasty about it.

My dad was a football dad all the way, even when he went to see my musicals. One time we were there and he informed me he had met my musical director during half time. Then he also informed me that he had met the parents of some of the kids I was in the musical with at half time. I didn’t have the heart to tell him it was intermission. Then again despite being an actress and a comedian and knowing the terms and rules I don’t have the heart to correct him. He’s my dad.

When it came to life advice growing up my dad still has some gems I quote. One was when I went to him about a friend. I had to have been early in high school. It was actually a guy I dug. He was always getting into trouble and was risking being thrown out of school, the juvenile version of my current dream man. I remember saying to my dad, “But nobody understands him.” To which my dad replied, “That means he’s an asshole and everybody knows it.” Let me tell you my dad was right on.

For years I thought I got my love for performing and comedy from my mom who is a bubbly outgoing little woman. But now I think I got it from my dad. When he was in school he actually was a soloist for his church choir and apparently they made a record. He was so good the nuns used to nab him out of class to sing wedding a funeral masses. As a kid he used to sing some of the old Latin hymns for us in his deep base baritone voice. Ironically now, one of my survival jobs involves singing for a living. Who would have thunk it?

But my dad loved comedy and he loved standup. Growing up I learned to love the Marx Brothers and the Three Stooges, partly due to my dad and I enjoying them together. My dad was also a fan of early George Carlin and Dennis Miller. As a matter of fact my parents had met Dennis Miller before he made it big while he was still playing the Pittsburgh Funnybone and had a few drinks with him. In addition my dad was also a fan of Rodney Dangerfield and went so far as to read his autobiography. And then of course he also liked Norm Macdonald and his style of comedy. But nothing beats the biggest surprise of all….his love for Beavis and Butthead. I remember my dad saying to some of his corporate friends, “I don’t know what the big deal about this program is. Its so funny.” Of course my dad, brother, and I would be watching Cornholio and his latest exploits much to the chagrin of my mother and sister.

My dad could also tell a story when I was a kid. It was the wording and the voices, he did it all. He read joke books and still reads them, and when you come to the house he will even tell you a few. Of course these days he has taken it to the next level, he is even writing his own jokes. Whether or not he busts out the notebook at an open mic night has yet to be seen, but who knows, I may have a willing opener when I tour.

Bottom line is, parents do the best they can with what they have, and my dad didn’t do bad with us. My brother, sister, and I are all well educated, God fearing, tax paying, responsible citizens. I would have posted this later but I will be at the brother’s wedding this weekend. With that Happy Early Father’s Day. Love April

Fox Broadcasting is taking a pass on President Obama's Wednesday news conference, opting instead to run a new episode of its crime drama "Lie to Me."   Barack Obama respnded by cancelling an upcoming appearance as guest judge on "American Idol."

Attendance is falling off dramatically at all Pittsburgh Pirates games and at all the Disney theme parks, because of the Pirates of the Caribbean ride. Said, the Prez, "First, it's the economy, then, it's terrorism, then, it's the dog, now, some pirates! Dammit! Hey, I played that as a kid. It was COOL!!!  Where's that Biden. I need some HEEEEELP!  Freakin' World economy!"                    

From my brother-in-law.

Ah, only in America.  A whole new reason to drink....

Heidi is the proprietor of a bar in Detroit.  In order to increase sales, she decides to allow her loyal customers - most of whom are unemployed alcoholics - to drink now but pay later.

She keeps track of the drinks consumed on a ledger (thereby granting the customers loans).

Word gets around about Heidi's drink now pay later marketing strategy and as a result, increasing numbers of customers flood into Heidi's bar and soon she has the largest sale volume for any bar in Detroit.

By providing her customers' freedom from immediate payment demands, Heidi gets no resistence when she substantially increases her prices for wine and beer, the most consumed beverages.

Her sales volume increases massively. 

A young and dynamic vice-president at the local bank recognizes these customer debts as valuable future assets and increases Heidi's borrowing limit.  He sees no reason for undue concern since he has the debts of the alcoholics as collateral.

At the bank's corporate headquarters, expert traders transform these customer loans into DRINKBONDS, ALKIBONDS and PUKEBONDS.

These securities are then traded on security markets worldwide.

Naive investors don't really understand the securities being sold to them as AAA secured bonds are really the debts of unemployed alcoholics.  Nevertheless, their prices continuously climb, and the securities become the top-selling items for some of the nation's leading brokerage houses who collect enormous fees on their sales, pay extravagant bonuses to their sales force, and who in turn purchase exotic sports cars and multimillion dollar condominiums.

One day, although the bond prices are still climbing, a risk manager at the bank (subsequently fired due his negativity), decides that the time has come to demand payment on the debts incurred by the drinkers at Heidi's bar.

Heidi demands payment from her alcoholic patrons, but being unemployed they cannot pay back their drinking debts.

Therefore, Heidi cannot fulfill her loan obligations and claims bankruptcy.

DRINKBOND and ALKIBOND drop in price by 90 %.  PUKEBOND performs better, stabilizing in price after dropping by 80 %.  The decreased bond asset value destroys the banks liquidity and prevents it from issuing new loans.

The suppliers of Heidi's bar, having granted her generous payment extensions and having invested in the securities are faced with writing off her debt and losing over 80% on her bonds.

Her wine supplier claims bankruptcy, her beer supplier is taken over by a competitor, who immediately closes the local plant and lays off 50 workers.

The bank and brokerage houses are saved by the Government following dramatic round-the-clock negotiations by leaders from both political parties.  The funds required for this bailout  are obtained by a tax levied on employed middle-class non-drinkers.

Perfect. 

I work this promo job with all these characters. Most everyone is pretty cool though and I love my boss. But there are some people on the job that man…..One such duo is Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass. They are these two best friends that work and live and do everything else together and they are always saying and doing stupid things. I didn’t gel with them at the get go so instead of seeking conflict I didn’t work on their same corner. The second player (because Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass are one in the same)s tory is my promo partner who frequently talked about/texted her boyfriend on the job. Her big priorities in life are having men obsess over her, having trivial problems, her social life, wearing sunglasses so people cant see her doing a promo job, and last but certainly not least getting her drink on. I decided aside from being a little bit of a dipstick she wasn’t that bad. Well it all exploded yesterday.

Though I love my boss I hated the early morning hours we were forced to work, 6:45 am, not standup comedian friendly. So Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass arrive as always smiling with that empty headed look in their eyes like nothing is going on and are already singing and completing each others sentences. No, they are not homeless, just out of work actors. In some ways even more annoying. So Tweedle Dumb tells our boss she is going to snot on him. WTF!?!?!!? I have not heard that since I was seven years old. Me and another one of the black chicks exchange glances like we are not going to say. Well Tweedle Dumbass replies, “No I will spit on you.” To which Tweedle Dumb replies, “I will snot on you And they start a nonsense argument between themselves. I wanted to say something so mean but it was too early in the morning to be an asshole. Yet they were making it so easy.

Well we go on our perspective corners and it is slow as Soho usually is. There is not much traffic. So our boss gives us orders to move and that does happen in promo work so okay. Well there is only one seat in the car. I figured we would all just ride the subway, right? Wrong!

So my dipstick partner goes, “I am just going to say it. I call the car.” I was like whatever. Was it a little self centered and stupid, yes. But having known her for almost two weeks I kinda would expect nothing less. Nonetheless it was early in the morning so I really didn’t care. So my dipstick corner partner jumps in his car and Tweedle Dumb says, “Its only two stops.” And Tweedle Dumbass echoes her by saying, “Two stops.” And then my dipstick partner overhears this and says, “Are they talking about me? What did they say?” I told her not to worry about it. Today was the last day of the promo and plus I have my own problems. And they really didn’t say anything. So this dipstick keeps nagging me and that’s when I go on the train, whatever.

When we get off the train I wanna bang this thing out and get my break and finish the promo. Despite the fact they are paying a large portion of my rent I am so over the promo itself since the weather has sucked. So this dipstick and I go to our corner. And then she keeps nagging me again and again and again and wont let up. I keep telling her it doesn’t matter what they said. Its our last day working with those two and who cares if there is bad blood? After this we never have to see them. And we didn’t even have to work with them directly. I didn’t like them but I was still able to be civil.

Finally after fifteen minutes of this dipstick nagging me I break down. I can no longer take it. That’s when I tell her about the simple exchange and then she says, “I have to clear the air with them.” And being the sane one I tell her after today it wont matter and who cares? Just do your damn job. Well she marches over to Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumb ass and they start to have it out. First grade insults are flying around. I believe someone was called a meanie and someone else was called a poop head. I kid you not. As I am walking past them Tweedle Dumbass says, “Well we hear you talking about us. Its going around.” Meanwhile one of the black chicks is trying to interject to add some sense of this dumb white dramatic mess. She says, “Its too early in the morning for this. This is the last day of the promo. Not now.”

That’s when I decide to be the adult and get involved because hell, the dipstick already dragged me in. So I turn to Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass and say, “Not only don’t we talk about you, but we really don’t give a fuck about what you do.” And this leaves Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass speechless. It’s a concept that blows the one brain cell each of them has. So then after the dipstick walks away I asked her what the hell happened. She says, “I don’t want to talk about it.” I look at her like okay. Then I tell her “We are talking about this because you dragged me into it.” That’s when she turns away from me and starts pouting. WTF?!?! This is something I would expect from my younger cousins and even they are much better behaved. That’s when I tell her to piss off and go to her own corner.

I end up working the corner with the other black chick who got the rep as the crazy one in the whole team. But as the promo ended I realized she wasn’t so bad. She did her own thing, her own work, and she didn’t resort to seven year old behavior. I told her about the mad dramaz that went down and she laughed. She agreed the dipstick asked for it by getting in the car, people were going to say something. And of course perhaps it was for our boss to say something but the whole thing went down so fast and bam….she was in the damn car. The whole thing had me frustrated that I wanted to punch dipstick in the face and knock the heads of Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass together. But as I said it was the last day of the promo and my boss was mad cool. I will miss him and the two black chicks as well as the little Indian girl. But not Tweedle Dumb and Tweedle Dumbass and the dipstick. Perhaps they should road trip and commit a bunch of bank robberies. That way they would certainly be world’s dumbest criminals and I would make a few bucks because they are as dumb as they come. Gosh, thank God for brain power. Love April

Capricorn-You are a controlling materialistic jackass who thinks they are constantly in charge. Your hair is never out of place, you always have that money for that nose job or that new car. You also like military service. How scary are you. But when you are around the ship doesnt sink, so rest assured you are a necessary evil.

Aquarius-There are not enough drugs or parties in the world for you. You are insane and love strippers and hookers. At the same time you are an outraegous drip that thinks you know everything. Yet when it comes to new and fresh ideas you have more than anyone. Its just that you have to get off your ass to put them into action. You never love but when you do you dont let go. They invented the restraining order for you.

Pisces-At your best you are a good objective friend but at your worst you are a self destructive jack ass. You are also somewhat smarter than the rest of the signs because you need to retreat. But then again the world sucks so I can't blame you. The men in this sign have a problem with honesty that that is men in every sign.....oops.

Aries-You are an impulsive nut who has no forethought to any of your actions. You huff, puff, and are a big cry baby. But you are also smart, funny, and good in bed. But most nutty drug addicts are. You do as you do and no one can control you, but on your best day you are still smarter than George W. Bush

Taurus-Man you are stubborn and you are always putting your foot in your mouth. While more flexible than any yoga instructor you are also a loyal friend. But despite your loyalty you also let your friends know when they are being jackasses. You are so loyal your significant other has to pay you to cheat. All and all you aint that bad.

Gemini-I can trust your two faced ass as far as I can throw you. When you are good you are a good storyteller. But at your worst you are an evil backstabber. They invented excorcisms for you. Stay away.

Cancer-To you everything is a personal affront and you take things too seriously. In addition you are the big brother or big sister out of your group of friends and find yourself taking care of a lot of screwed up people. All and all you are alright. Just dont let your friends move in rent free, and when you get hearbroken dont go OJ.

Leo-You are the life of the party because you are throwing it. You are honest, a ray of sunshine, and everyone likes you. You are also brutally honest and love drama which is why people can only stand so much of you. And then you give orders which is why people leave the party early. But you are charming so thats why they come back. Hell I know I do.

Virgo-The most annoying sign in all of astrology. You are manipulative and have OCD to the point where your fingers bleed and everyone elses do just watching you. While you have a sense of humor, your selectiveness and bluntness get on everyone's nerves. Yet when you are around things get done and everything is in ship shape and nothing is left unturned. So you have some sort of value in this world.

Libra-You are the most beautiful sign in all of astrology partially because you cant get away from that mirror. Not to mention you get along with everyone because you are a pushover sometimes. But at the same time you can put your foot down and you are the life of the party, that is why everyone is secretly jealous of you. Just have a lot of social nights and dont let anyone pressure you to make important decisions because you are a flake. All and all though, the universe doesnt spin without your charm.

Scorpio-You are a jealous, possessive, revenge seeking nut. You will follow your enemies till the ends of the earth. Your dont forgive or forget and you have a lot of intestional trouble from being such a pain in everyone's ass. But you are good to have in my corner so I can sick you on people I dont like. So you are like a pitbull, no one likes you but you do have a purpose.

Saggatarius-You are the coolest sign in the zodiac. Wherever you go you accept a dare and ride with the wind. Taking chances is the name of your game. You dont hold grudges because you have ADHD and you arent about being mean. However you dont let people push you too far which is great. But while you love sex dont let that bedroom door hit you in the ass.