I have some dumb friends and some are dumber than others. The one is this would be actress and singer who lives in LA. I like her and she is my friend but man does she need to see the error of her ways. For starters she always falls for these stupid guys. She was hung up on his guy who was supposed to be a “millionaire” and had this apartment he threw sex parties in. This dude was married to his money but she was determined to change him. So this guy takes her out and tells her about all the great sex he had with other women. But she keeps talking about all the “spiritual gifts” he gave her. What? Like the slap in the face after you drank the wine spirit spritzer. But nothing beats her latest conquest. He is a “famous composer” in France and “promised to pay her phone bill” but didn’t after they talked for hours. For one, that is the worst pick up line I have ever heard and secondly, how do you say greencard.

But then the other goodie is that she is always getting herself into these situations because she has her head up her ass. The other day she got a check from this girls school for ten thousand dollars and cashed it. Surprisingly it was fraudulent. Of course she got into a bunch of trouble with her bank because years ago an ex of hers drained her credit cards and bank accounts so she had to declare bankruptcy. So she may not be able to have a bank account for the next few years. The only time a mysteriously large amount of money sent to you is real is in a Disney movie.

The dumb assery gets richer believe it or not. We were talking about a kid I was mentoring. I told her flat out the kid gets the message of the twelve steps and gets his act together or he’s going to die. Then she tells me I have to leave him messages encouraging him. Meanwhile I rescued this kid from what seemed to be Jeffrey Dahmer’s brother and to top it all off his phone was off. I told her this kid is nineteen, he has been to rehab more times than Robert Downey Jr. and Artie Lange combined, is works as a streetwalker, he is HIV positive, and he has expressed the desire to keep using drugs. So in her head up her assiness she says to me, “Well April, that says a lot about the God of your understanding.” Yeah the God of my understanding smites the stupid.

Of course she says she has sixteen years sobriety in her alcohol program, go girl. But then she also reveals she has only been drunk twice in her life but followed an old boyfriend who actually had a problem into the program. Wow, sixteen years sober. That’s not hard to achieve when YOU NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A PROBLEM DRINKING!

Then she claims people can be healed through meditation. She has a friend who was infected with HIV through a wild night with some chick in Puerto Rico. But after weeks of meditation he is cured. No, its just undetectable. But he can still infect. She insists upon this and says she has no idea how he could get infected because you can only get HIV through anal sex. No you can get HIV through unprotected sex of any kind. And because you are so dumb odds are that you are positive too. If not HIV positivly stoopid. I will take this time to tell you this dumb friend is Ivy League educated and a member of Mensa. She must have bribed her way in. Its the only way I can explain it.

But then tip of it all is she wants to be a big star in Bollywood. Meanwhile she is forty, living on welfare, and sleeping in the back of a van. She plans to then reveal herself to her first love in all of her glory. But the kicker is she tells me I need to meditate because I live in a fantasy world, and that way I can separate fantasy from reality. Well schizo calling the bi-polar a nutcase. Love April

...Mahmoud Ahmahdineajad, after he leaves office, hopes to become an actor in films....the buzz around Hollywood is that he will replace Robert Downey Jr. as lead character in "Iran Man 3". 

Heath Ledger won the Oscar for his performance as the Joker at last night's Academy Award ceremonies, beating out Robert Downey Jr. among others. Even though this proves that Ledger was the superior actor Downey remains the superior drug-taker.

I went to a seminar on reality TV and we had to pitch reality TV shows. Here were some of mine.

BIGGEST IDIOT-Because reality TV feeds off of the idiot population NBC has gone to find the biggest idiots ever. These idiots will not be dared or anything but asked to be themselves. And every week America will vote an idiot off. The biggest idiot gets a winning lottery ticket so that way he can cash in on his white trash retirement plan.

LAST DRUG ADDICT STANDING-We all have seen Last Comic Standing where some of the worst stereotypes in standup take the stage. Well now its gonna get bigger and funnier except these people arent trying to be sterotypes, they are actually drug addicts. And as an alternative to their Theraputic Community or prison term they are participating on this show. Every week it is a contest to see how far they will go to get their drug of choice. And there are only so many drugs hidden in the house. America doesnt have to vote off these contestants. Instead they will go back to prison for killing another contestant, get complications from their Hep C or HIV, or even get arrested for another charge.And the last dude standing gets a free night with Robert Downey Jr and a life time supply of coke and heroin curtoisy the Columbian drug cartel

KICKING IT WITH THE KAROLYI'S-They gave us Nadia, Mary Lou, and Zmeskal. That's right, Bela and Marta Karolyi have been accused of being the most abusive coaches in the sport of gymnastics. However, they say they are misunderstood. Go into the gym every week with the Karolyi's as they berate the future champions of America. Fall in love with these little divas as they fall, get yelled at, and develop eating disorders and dependency on painkillers. See them cry as they near retirement at the age of eighteen. See the Karolyi's cure their broken limbs by making them work harder. It is a must see and an instant hit. Cause there is nothing like midgets dressed like hookers battling it out for the gold.

10. You know not to vomit on someone's front steps, its inconsiderate.

9. You spend more time in the tank than any fish you know.

8. The F train doubles as your bathroom

7. You always wake up with a headache, roll over, and ask, whats your name.

6. You have a man, his name is Jack....Jack Daniels.

5. You and Robert Downey Jr have two things in common: your love of acting and your liver.

4. You are proud of being a drunk because you can say whatever you want whenever you want.

3. You are 100 percent Irish even at AA

2. After getting knocked up after a drunken one night stand you decide to name the illegitimate child Tequilla Margarita

1. You go to AA and all your buddies are saving you a seat