The doctor slapped the baby and then he slapped Cheney to restart his heart.

A Democratic senator from Arkansas is not sure if she'll vote for the health care bill because she wants to make sure that it's good for the people in her state.  I say, "Vote for the bill.  We'll fly all 7 people in your state to our New York doctors whenever they're sick!."

   Former-Catholic abortionist to Buddhist priest:  "Master, now that I've converted to Buddhism--when I die--I'll simply reincarnate, and won't have to deal with that whole hell thing."

   Priest:  "Yes, doctor, that is true.  But, how can I put it?--you're not going to believe the fucking karma!" 

...Columbian culinary school has invented the "love dessert."  It's made from passion fruit and Viagra.  The concoction is quite delicious and low in calories, but the creators warn that you should consult your doctor if you have an appetite for it that lasts longer than 4 hours.   

The #1 reason people fail on their diet, is simply people get tired of dieting, according to the About.com Health/InsightExpress dieting survey. 40% said they get tired of dieting, while 22% said their diet didn't allow favorite foods and 21% said their diet was too restrictive.  ***MARLAR: Amen to that.  I would’ve been fine on my diet if they’d allowed me to doctor up my Slim Fast with some double-chocolate chunk.

LeBron James says he hasn't ruled out signing a contract with the Knicks. And doctors have not ruled out brain lesions.

It takes years and YEARS for drugs to be approved for human use.  Yet, in like 20 days of the arrival of the Swine Flu they had already created the Swine Flu Shot.  Granted the shot has killed like 19 people.  But what if it DID cure you of Swine Flu, but also mutated you due to their speedy process?  Like, "Doctor, I AM feeling better now but, I'm a TALKING F*ckin' Turtle, What am I supposed to do now?  I don't even know Karate!"   

62-year-old Edward Ates is up on murder charges in Hackensack, New Jersey, and he's chosen an interesting defense. Ates says he's too fat to have killed his former son-in-law-- at least not the way prosecutors claim it happened. The victim, 40-year-old Paul Duncsak, was shot six times as he walked down a hallway in his home. The shooter first fired from a staircase leading to the basement. That was followed by several shots fired head-on. In order to do that, Ates' attorney says his client would have had to run up the stairs. At 5- feet-8 and 285 pounds, the attorney says he was just too fat to have pulled it off. At the time of the killing, Duncsak and Ates' daughter were involved in a bitter custody dispute after their divorce. Early in court testimony, Ates' doctor testified that bounding up the stairs would have caused Ates to become short of breath and shake, making it difficult to keep his wrist straight enough to accurately fire a gun at someone from a distance. (myway.com)  ***MARLAR: Not guilty by reason of gluttony!

Doctors have always assumed that both human ears were basically the same. But a UCLA study of babies may change a lot of assumptions about the way the brain works, because it found that the right ear is better at picking up speech-like sounds, while the left ear is better at processing music. ***MARLAR: So one ear is for talking and one is for music...Which ear does rap go into?

If you want an easy way to lower your blood pressure, drink a cup of hot cocoa. It turns out that cocoa -- not tea -- can lower blood pressure as well as medication designed to control hypertension.  ***MARLAR: Be sure to check with your doctor before beginning any chocolate or cocoa regimen.