I have some dumb friends and some are dumber than others. The one is this would be actress and singer who lives in LA. I like her and she is my friend but man does she need to see the error of her ways. For starters she always falls for these stupid guys. She was hung up on his guy who was supposed to be a “millionaire” and had this apartment he threw sex parties in. This dude was married to his money but she was determined to change him. So this guy takes her out and tells her about all the great sex he had with other women. But she keeps talking about all the “spiritual gifts” he gave her. What? Like the slap in the face after you drank the wine spirit spritzer. But nothing beats her latest conquest. He is a “famous composer” in France and “promised to pay her phone bill” but didn’t after they talked for hours. For one, that is the worst pick up line I have ever heard and secondly, how do you say greencard.

But then the other goodie is that she is always getting herself into these situations because she has her head up her ass. The other day she got a check from this girls school for ten thousand dollars and cashed it. Surprisingly it was fraudulent. Of course she got into a bunch of trouble with her bank because years ago an ex of hers drained her credit cards and bank accounts so she had to declare bankruptcy. So she may not be able to have a bank account for the next few years. The only time a mysteriously large amount of money sent to you is real is in a Disney movie.

The dumb assery gets richer believe it or not. We were talking about a kid I was mentoring. I told her flat out the kid gets the message of the twelve steps and gets his act together or he’s going to die. Then she tells me I have to leave him messages encouraging him. Meanwhile I rescued this kid from what seemed to be Jeffrey Dahmer’s brother and to top it all off his phone was off. I told her this kid is nineteen, he has been to rehab more times than Robert Downey Jr. and Artie Lange combined, is works as a streetwalker, he is HIV positive, and he has expressed the desire to keep using drugs. So in her head up her assiness she says to me, “Well April, that says a lot about the God of your understanding.” Yeah the God of my understanding smites the stupid.

Of course she says she has sixteen years sobriety in her alcohol program, go girl. But then she also reveals she has only been drunk twice in her life but followed an old boyfriend who actually had a problem into the program. Wow, sixteen years sober. That’s not hard to achieve when YOU NEVER ACTUALLY HAD A PROBLEM DRINKING!

Then she claims people can be healed through meditation. She has a friend who was infected with HIV through a wild night with some chick in Puerto Rico. But after weeks of meditation he is cured. No, its just undetectable. But he can still infect. She insists upon this and says she has no idea how he could get infected because you can only get HIV through anal sex. No you can get HIV through unprotected sex of any kind. And because you are so dumb odds are that you are positive too. If not HIV positivly stoopid. I will take this time to tell you this dumb friend is Ivy League educated and a member of Mensa. She must have bribed her way in. Its the only way I can explain it.

But then tip of it all is she wants to be a big star in Bollywood. Meanwhile she is forty, living on welfare, and sleeping in the back of a van. She plans to then reveal herself to her first love in all of her glory. But the kicker is she tells me I need to meditate because I live in a fantasy world, and that way I can separate fantasy from reality. Well schizo calling the bi-polar a nutcase. Love April

The accused who admittedly stabbed, beheaded, and cannibalized a fellow Greyhound bus passenger, pleaded insanity due to having to watch the “on road” movie, “Jeffrey Dahmer’s excellent adventure”

This past summer I was deeply, madly in love with a lawyer and we had even talked about a future together. He was into things like the opera and history and is perhaps one of the most intelligent guys I have ever been with. We were fixed up by a friend of mine and like him this friend was a lawyer. My ex was all about his friends and breaking his neck for these shallow people who could have given two shits about him. And one day this particular friend that fixed us up and his fiancé came over to my ex’s house for a double date. It would be the night from hell.

For starters this (former) friend and his fiancé came late. Why? Well they had just purchased a condo in a co-op in Forrest Hills and had to meet with the board. But that wasn’t what took so long. They were both on a special wedding diet and brought their own food. Yes, that’s why we couldn’t go out to eat and have fun and they made a big deal out of the fact that they both had to lose this weight for the wedding that was a year away. That was only the beginning. The guys worked together so they started talking about clients and people they worked with that neither me nor the fiancé cared about. It wasn’t like I was even there. So it left me alone with the fiancé who wouldn’t stop talking. I am not kidding. This woman would not take a breath. As we were walking down the street she told me when her wedding was going to be and showed me her ring. Whatever. But then she proceeded to tell me once her man became a partner in his father’s firm how much money he was going to make, how much money her wedding dress was, how much money her father made, and how much he was spending on the wedding. To boot she told me how much her ring was. I felt as if I was going to puke but I kept my poker face on. After all, these were my then boyfriend’s friends.

It got even worse. Cause everytime I even got to even say two words she would cut me off and tell me where her man was taking her on her honeymoon. There was no give or take. It was her just taking. I love to talk but at the same time I love a conversation where there is give and take. When I did get a chance to speak I started saying things for the hell of it. I would tell her that I didn’t believe in marriage and then she would say, “You believe in other people’s right?” And then before I could even answer told me about how horrible her cousins wedding was because of the dresses. Ergo her cousin didn’t have a lot of money like her to spend. I know this because she told me. As we are eating and my ex and my friend are talking they are paying no attention to the fact that I am choking on my food because this girl is a mindless twat that wont shut up.

But then she really scored points on the bitch scale. From there she told me that her sister had been evicted from her job and fired but her sister invited her to dinner because she needed help moving. And that her sister couldn’t get a guy either and because of this she had no intention of going. YOU BITCH! Then she passed judgment on another relative of hers going through something and said he didn’t have his head on right. My mouth started to hang open. Then I excused myself to the restroom to keep from doing something that would get me thirty to life. It didn’t matter because she wouldn’t stop talking until I was ten feet away. It was unreal.

After that I got back to the table and this is really where I had to restrain myself. This particular couple bought a bottle of wine and as many of you know I am a retired drinker. Well my now former friend starts to take jabs at me for not drinking. And my then boyfriend being the total Alanonic people pleaser joins in and doesn’t stick up for me making me feel ultimately more crappy. He however reaches and holds my hand which makes me want to snap his neck. Of course they cut me and the fiancé off yet again and I am left to hear her babble about something inane. Now I know the only way not to commit a murder suicide is just to tune her out. Finally we decide to go outside. Oh to get some air.

When I got outside the two guys decide to screw the girls and just smoke cigars. Looking back that’s how I knew my ex was most likely gay, he was sucking on that thing a little too hard. So they can have some more quality time like they have been having all evening, they send me and this chick to Starbucks. I hate Starbucks and I hated going even more with her. So she starts talking again this time about how much money her last boyfriend made and how he made more but wasn’t as sweet as this one but that one day this guy would make more. Just then my phone rings. Oblivious I am talking to a friend in crisis she keeps talking. At this point I do want to kill her. Then she catches onto the fact I am talking on the phone and that my friend is on the edge (I was thinking that makes both of us) and asks if she can help. At that point I look at her and icily reply, “No.” I never used to understand how violent prisoners could make weapons out of the most mundane objects. Now not only did I understand, I wanted some instruction.

We got back up with the guys and they still proceeded to do their own thing as this girl went on and on about how she hated all of her friends weddings because they weren’t “nice enough.” If only they could see you now sweetheart. About a little after we had our Starbucks they left and as my ex was walking them out (I faked a stomach ache) I struck up a conversation with his evil roommate. Though she nauseated me, she could stop talking in order to breathe through her nose. Then again, so could Jeffrey Dahmer and he still would have made more intriguing dinner company. When my ex came back in he said, “They enjoyed your company tonight.” That’s when I screamed, “YEAH, ONLY BECAUSE I DIDN’T TALK AND THAT’S THE WAY YOU LIKE ME, YOUR PRISONER.” And from there I proceeded to rip that closeted homos head off.

In closing I remembered the story recently because I told it to a friend who went on a bad double date. You see, a bad double date might not just be a bad double date but a lot more. And this made me realize not only how fake my ex’s friends were but the so called relationship I was in wasn’t a relationship but an air tight coffin. My role was just to be an object in his fake world and that evening I played my role well. However, it wasn’t a role that I wanted to continue to play. This was a crowd of people who thought who I was cute for now but if we got married my standup dreams would have to go, how else would I be a lawyer’s wife and live in Forrest Hills? After all my role was going to be a mindless Barbie and I had to play it well.

A picture says a thousand words and in the pictures at his law school graduation his ex looked like she wanted to strangle him. At first I didn’t understand why but after two years of his shit she should have. I also heard how she kept him from his friends. With friends like the ones we double dated with, I support her one thousand percent. And seeing that he didn’t even stick up for me when they took jabs at me for not drinking, if they took a candid I would have choked him. As I started to see the relationship from her POV I knew it was the beginning of the end, it was just a question of when the funeral bell would ring. Lets face it, we are the company we keep. I can still read his ex fiance’s mind in that picture I saw of her before she made her big bolt and sprinted far away from this jack ass and his shallow friends because I was thinking the same thing, “RIP Relationship.” Love April

Tom Petty was just given the key to the city of Gainesville, Fla: his hometown.  If I had the key to my hometown of Milwaulkee, Wisconsin, I'd get around more than Dahmer did. Ha ha...

I already know I am going to hell, I’m just looking for people to drive down with.  I figure the torture of being in hell is that seating will be by alphabetical order.  For example, right now Jeffrey Dahmer is sitting in hell between John Candy and Chris Farley thinking, “Which one do I eat?  Which one do I eat?”