...Evangelical pastor Ted Haggard claims he is now free from homosexual tendencies thanks to an over the counter medication.  He credits the change to his use of the Bristol-Meyer product "Been-Gay." 

Tiger Woods today credited his success in golf to exploring and trying out new holes.

"You can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think. "(Credit to novelist Dorothy Parker.) 

'Twas the night before Senate
Out-bullied the House.
Not a single vote counted
While millions of us groused.

Stock options were hung out to dry in the air
In hopes that health coverage would someday fly there.
The fat cats were nestled all snug in their beds
While visions of payoffs and bribes filled their heads.

In uninsured families
All hope ran amok;
They prayed to some Maker,
And damned their hard luck.

When out from a newsflash emerged such a clatter
The government declared that nothing was the matter;
In spite of sound bytes that we dreaded to hear
We realized old promises would never appear.

From the glow of the TV in our borrowed old home
Fell the lustre of something we never could own.
When what to my tired, red eyes did appear
Was another politician, and a speech filled with fear.

With a smile and a twinkle, so righteous and quick
We saw through his lies, for our country was sick.
More rapid than bullets the blather all came
As he turned and cajoled and still pointed the blame:

On profits, incentives, On penalties now!
On bailing bank coffers, to feed that cash cow!
To the right of the Blue States, and the left of the Red.
Now vote away, vote away, vote 'til 'yer dead!

As silence is deadly when our loved one is ill,
When we meet with an obstacle, our choices are nil
So down to the ER the ambulance flew
With a hole in our pockets, five credit cards too.

And after ten papers and waiting for hours
Reminded that uninsured lives are not ours;
When what to my wondering mouth so agape
Was news of a bill that looked just like a rape.

2000 for this, a thousand for that,
500 for IV, three tits for one tat.
Our savings depleted, accounts in the red,
I started to think:  Are we better off dead?

The doc was all decked out in white to his toes
He gave us some aspirin, then told us to go;
Assuring us boldly that surely we might
Just try to "take care now," and "have a good night."

So back to the house where we counted licked all our wounds,
We tried to pretend we could move to the moon,
As previous illness prevented us care,
Would flying to Canada be something we'd dare?

I spoke not a word but went straight to my task,
Determined and surly enough not to ask;
I gathered our tickets and passports I'd bought;
There's no point in living where loved ones will rot.

We sprang to our car, to our team gave a yell;
And thus whooped our family from the bowels of hell,
And I heard us exclaim as we drove out of sight,
Happy Healthcare to all, and to all Gesunk Heit!

In Hayward, California, Ted Estarija said he was kind of expecting his cell phone bill to be a little higher this month after adding his 13-year-old son to his calling plan. Ted was right. It was higher -- almost $22,000 higher! The bill included $21,917 in data usage charges as the boy apparently downloaded about 1.4 million kilobytes of data last month. As Ted's plan didn't cover data usage, he was charged by the megabyte. Fortunately the folks at Verizon Wireless did the right thing and credited Ted's account for the entire amount. In the meantime, the boy's account has been suspended.  ***MARLAR: Teens misusing their cell phones... is there an app for that?

First Premier Bank is offering a new credit card.

The bad news:  It has a 79.9% interest rate!

The good news: No late fees!

(Just 2 AM "home visits" from "representatives" with crowbars)

Two toddler boys were outside playing in the dirt with their new puppy Rottweiler. Later when both of them were given a bath together one boy said "look mommy our tails are in the front".               { credit that one to my son}

A three year old came up to his Mom which was 7 months pregnant and said, "I know how to spell baby,"  "How?"   "E. P. T."   (Early Pregnancy Test)

(credit for that one goes to my son when he was three}

I am the original founder of Facebook.  Well, really, I'm not, it's my mother but she's not around anymore, so I'll take the credit. Mom always said, "I can read your face like a book".

So where do I apply for my residuals?