What do wealthy women use to pay their psychiatrists?

   Mad money. 

10. You are sitting around when a girl you know is a real bitch comes up to you and says, “You look really put together. Like you aren’t on drugs today.” Your response, “Well, that’s normally the way I tolerate you. Too bad I don’t have that buffer today. Damn those twelve steps.”

9. You have been ranting and raving on the phone about a sucky day you are having when this woman, who is publically breast feeding and has her tits hanging out for all to see, tells you to be quiet because this language will corrupt her child. That’s when you hand the homeless crackhead ten bucks and tell him to grab her tits. That will put her in her place.

8. A rich snob that lives in your neighborhood is putting you and your buddies down again for hanging out on the stoop and laughing loudly. Tell the junkie ex-con who you know has committed a string of robberies in the neighborhood she has twenty bucks on her…..

7. Your roommate has a lady friend you can’t stand that is always making backhanded comments about how you dress when she is a bleach blonde with a bad die job. Casually mention your cousin is getting out of prison after twenty years because he strangled his girlfriend with her bra, stuffed her panties in her mouth, and dumped her body by the train tracks. Then tell he wants to come visit next week to see how much you have grown, and likes platinum blondes.

6. You know this girl who is always doing things for attention. Lately she is claiming a Jamaican guy sexually assaulted her just to see a guy infatuated with her beat someone up. Look at her pretending to be concerned and mention, “I know plenty of Jamaicans. And they never assault anyone with a flat chest. At least not as far as I know.”

5. You are at a gathering when a girl who is dressed like a treasure troll in drag continually makes jokes about you being a slut. Turn to her, smile, and say, “Why? Jealous I get some and you don’t. Im sure if you looked under the draw bridge your Froto would be there for you.”

4. A crazy girl who has been sending you nasty notes on myspace and making your life hell blogs about how she is a responsible mother and how people don’t understand how hard it is. Meanwhile the slut had the four kids to three guys at sixteen. You should comment on the blog, “Wow, must be hard work being a breeding lump. I mean , you lay down on your back a lot but still, gold star for a job shamelessly done.”

3. You recently got a promotion at your job and this girl who is clearly jealous of you is bad mouthing you saying she can’t believe you got it and she didn’t. That’s when you say, “You can’t believe it. Oh ye of little faith.”

2. You see a girl you went to high school with that is a total princess in every respect of the word. When she sees you after years of having not had contact, acts as if she is disgusted by your appearance. That’s when, as you calmly sip your coffee say, “By the way, I contracted Hep C not long ago. Want a sip?”

1. If any of these responses illicit a challenge for a cat fight by any of these party’s tell them you would fight except it is against your policy to assault the mentally handicapped. And then summon the nearest officer of the law when they are yelling and screaming and say you believe they wandered out of a group home and could he help them find their way back. And walk off into the sunset.

A man had a major heart attack at a ping pong tournament.Fortunately, they were able to get the paddles on him very quickly. 

In his comments on the current jobless "recovery" yesterday, President Obama said he is looking "at new models for where future growth is going to come from." 

"We'll look at anything, except capitalism of course, that's crazy talk," he said.

Have you heard about Mackenzie Phillips' memoir?  Looks like "Mama" Cass wasn't the only one who choked on a ham sandwich. 

Seriously though, did you hear this?  Her dad, John Phillips, first had sex with her the night before her wedding?  Crazy.  That's when she should've said to him "Hey, man, one lay at a time."

It all started pretty innocently, you know.  Mackenzie asked her dad if he had any of "that white stuff" left, and he got confused.

Recently overheard: "That was a sticky situation."  "I know.  Stickier than Mackenzie Phillips at a family reunion."

A lot of people call Charles Manson crazy for blaming his murder spree on the Beatles' song "Helter Skelter," but the other day I listened to "Octopus' Garden"  and I became compelled to drown a littler of kittens.

I have a friend that is a compulsive gambler . Today he bet me $20 he could stop gambling !  **  Today I asked my friend Mei if it's hard to stop smoking ?  She replied , " It's easy , I stopped smoking at least a hundred times ! "  ***  My balding friend John is so worried about his hair . " Suzie, what can I do to keep from losing my hair ? "  he asked . I told him  " Try using an empty cigar box !" **** My waitress friend Sally asked me if I knew the difference between Asians, Jews, Scots, and canoes ?   " Yes I do, canoes tip ! "  ***** I don't know anything about sports . I thought quarterback was a refund ! ***** My friend Edna is a compulsive shopper who will buy anything marked down . Yesterday she bought an escalator !

A clump of Elvis Presley's hair sold for $15,000 at a Chicago auction. But that's nothing. In 2002, a clump of the singer's hair went for almost $115,000! Remember when Britney Spears went crazy and took an umbrella to hit an empty car?  Well, the umbrella  went up on Ebay -- starting at $25,000. Although the auction site took the item down, bids exceeded the starting price (and may have been bought offline.) John Lennon's Steinway piano, which he composed 'Imagine,' went for $2 million. The buyer? Singer George Michael. During a 1999 auction, Marilyn Monroe's infamous "Happy Birthday, Mr. President" dress went for $1,267,500. One of Michael Jackson's jewel-encrusted gloves sold for $49,000 in an Australian auction. Judy Garlands ruby slippers from 'The Wizard of Oz' sold to a private collector in 2000 for $666,000.  ***MARLAR: I’m also happy to announce that later today you’ll be able to bid on my old 3XL shirts (I’ve moved up to 4XL).  Bidding is expected to go nowhere. 

Sheriff Jim Alderden brought Richard and Mayumi Heene in for questioning today . Before the interview began the sheriff asked Mrs Heene about her name .  " In Japanese MAYUMI mean, " Not-so-bright Lady who receive many Bitch-Slap from crazy American husband off camera ."  replied Mayumi

It appears to many the little 6 year old boy sailing off in Dad's Flying Saucer style balloon was a nothing more than a publicity stunt . The boy's parents are no strangers to media attention either as they both appeared on " Wife Swap,"  an ABC reality show . On CNN last night, little Falcon told his mom he needed to vomit after admitting " We did this show, "  during the interview . I guess he wanted to throw-up before his crazy dad beat the crap out of him ! ............ In a related story, Jiffy Pop wants to slightly restyle their aluminum foil popcorn popping pans in the shape of the runaway UFO balloon .