The Family Research Council, the nation's #1 "family values" organization, is holding a "Values Voters Summit" to support political candidates who share their, "beliefs and values."

To celebrate this occasion, I would like to affirm my beliefs:

- I believe in capital punishment, and since I was a former teacher, I believe in starting it at the 8th grade level.

- I believe in the right to life—that the fetus has the same rights as we do, and that it should have to stand in line at the Dept. of Motor Vehicles like the rest of us.

- I believe that everyone should abstain from sex before marriage, because only after marriage can one truly realize the horrible mistake they have made.

- I believe in the sanctity of marriage, and that gay people should be able to get married because they deserve to have their sex life destroyed just like everyone else.

- I believe that no man should be able to dress like a woman because there are plenty of ugly women to go around and they deserve a fighting chance.

- I believe that pornography can do great harm to people, especially when everyone sees their naked pictures on the Internet.

- I believe that a spoonful of sugar helps the medicine go down, but a syringe is much faster.

- I believe that children are the future, but still should be seen and not heard until they are 17 and cute.

- I believe in America. America has made my fortune. And I raised my daughter in the American fashion. That is why, for justice, I must go to Don Corleone.