In Minneapolis, a linguist revealed that he only spoke Klingon to his son for the first 3 years of his life, prompting conservatives to hail this as more effective at stopping teen pregnancy than abstinence-only sex education.

A western Pennsylvania Amish farmer was sentenced Tuesday to 90 days in jail after refusing to bring a pair of outhouses into compliance with state sewage laws. Andy Swartzentruber cited his conservative religious beliefs in refusing to abide by a court order to make the privies used by schoolchildren compliant and pay a $500 fine. In addition to the health issue, some teachers complained the Mr. Swartzentruber did not properly stock the outhouses. In fact, some of the students were using their assignments in the outhouse. A few of the younger students proceeded to turn in the soiled home work.

In related news, Barack Obama announced he will increase funding for PBS and will appoint Elmo as his new media czar.

The Vatican is trying to entice Anglican conservatives, traditionalists, and families with male children.

Britain's Conservative party will propose stopping global warming by banning plasma TVs and other energy-using electronic luxuries.  ***MARLAR: And that’s the CONSERVATIVE party in Britain!  What’s the LIBERAL party want to ban . . . eating? 

Conservatives should give Obama a break when it comes to making a decision on the Afgan War.....It took him 6 months to decide on a dog!

President Obama has gone on record that he does not believe that racial bias has fueled the heated rhetoric coming from conservatives since his inauguration. Which is a perfectly logical stance for him to take, if you ask me - because really...you don't think he WANTS to get shot, do you?

While her husband Vince might find himself on the receiving end of “The People’s Elbow” if he were to run for public office, former World Wrestling Entertainment CEO Linda McMahon is being treated like a serious candidate after announcing that she will step into the ring and run for the Connecticut Senate seat presently held by Democrat Christopher Dodd. McMahon is being promoted as a self-funded fiscal conservative but socially left-leaning outsider with a vicious Pile Driver and a callous Cactus Clothesline.

Needless to say, the announcement gave myself, as well as McMahon's fellow Republican challengers, a chance to make corny jokes about whether she was "a heavyweight or a welterweight," but the fact remains she has proven herself a worthy adversary. Her history of savage steel cage matches and uncanny aerial abilities when leaping headfirst from the top turnbuckle only serve to confirm speculation that she will prove a fearless and formidable opponent.

As the public weighs in on McMahon’s candidacy, one political expert went so far as to say she "could improve the image of the party" in the state… because, as we all know, nothing spruces up a party’s image like knee-high boots, form-fitting spandex and a mask.

The tax is opposed by conservatives who think we're already taxed too much, by the soft drink industry as it would hurt sales, and by Kirstie Alley because it would force her into bankruptcy.

John Ensign, the outspoken conservative Senator of Nevada, apparently broke official Republican rules when he had an extra-marital affair with a full-grown woman. As part of his punishment, Ensign will be forced to the nearest airport public bathroom for gay diaper sex with a 17-year-old page.