The 49ers are reportedly interested in making Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice their next team president. In fact, it might be the only way a Republican gets to be president this year.

On Sunday, Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice stated, "The war in Iraq has reached a critical time." She also made such bold statements as, "It gets dark at night... Winter is colder than summer... Pop-Tarts are delicious."

ARAB STREET HAILS COURIC'S DAUGHTER SAYING U.S. "NOT THE BOSS OF US"

BAGHDAD, Iraq. Arab leaders across the Middle East today hailed Caroline Couric Monahan, ten year-old daughter of CBS News anchorwoman Katie Couric, for courageous defense of their right to hold their citizens in a state of feudal suppression. "A voice of enlightenment is heard from the mouth of a babe," said Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf, "and I'm not talking about her mother, who nonetheless has one bitchin' set of legs."

Katie Couric, America's Sweetheart

Caroline's views were invoked by her mother during the following exchange with Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on 60 Minutes:

Condoleeza Rice

Couric: Is it really priority number one for the United States to be spreading democracy around the world?

Rice: What's wrong with assistance so that people can have their full and complete right to the very liberties and freedoms that we enjoy?

Couric: To quote my daughter, "Who made us the boss of them?"

Rice: You are such a ditz.

Couric: I replaced Dan Rather.

Rice: Big deal. "What's the frequency, Katie?"

Barbie Dream House

Leaders of al Quaeda released a tape demanding that the U.S. and Britain "heed the advice of the sage little one, and give us the right to send suicide bombers as cute as her into crowded marketplaces. Also, you forgot to get us the Barbie Dream House for our birthday."

The Moslem world is currently in the midst of the feast of Ramadan, during which followers of Islam fast during the daylight hours and eat small meals in the evening as they visit with family and friends. Hassan Khattab, head of a Moroccan Islamic terrorist cell, said he would seek Caroline's assistance in obtaining relief from the strict fasting rules. "I'm hungry and I want something to eat—now!" he said through an interpreter in Casablanca.

Bratz dolls

There has been friction between Couric and her daughter recently as Caroline requested, but did not receive, a "Bratz" doll over the summer. Katie Couric has taken the position that the popular dolls, which have been described as a sort of "Escort Service Barbie", are inconsistent with the wholesome image she wishes to project in order to improve the ratings of the CBS Evening News, which lags behind its major competitors.

Islamic militants took to the streets of the western Iraqi town of Haditha when American newsmen appeared in an effort to exploit the mother-daughter rift, chanting "Abdullah bul-bul Amir, T.J. Houshmandzadeh!", an Arabic phrase that means "We want slutty Bratz dolls, Mommy!"

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

FIRST LADY URGES BUSH TO USE NATION'S STRATEGIC GOOD TASTE RESERVES

WASHINGTON, D.C.   First Lady Laura Bush today called on the President, her husband, to demonstrate leadership in the fight against vulgarity by drawing down the nation's strategic reserves of good taste.  "In a time of national crisis, I would hope that the Commander-in-Chief of our armed forces, whom I will not mention by name, could rise above 'pull my finger' jokes in the Oval Office," she said, diplomatically addressing the issue of the President's fondness for flatulence-based humor with what reporters understood to be a euphemism.

            The First Lady, along with Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice, is seen as a manners "hawk" among the President's cabinet and close advisors, often clearing her throat at state dinners when the jokes turn raunchy. 

"I have heard her cut off Dirk Kempthorne," the Secretary of the Interior, "when he starts talking about 'buffalo chips'," says senior White House Press Corps member Helen Thomas. 

"She nearly decapitated [Health and Human Services Secretary] Mike Leavitt when he said a cheese and artichoke dip on a buffet table in the Green Room looked like 'smegma'."

            The United States maintains stores of good taste in eight strategic locations around the country; Wellesley, Massachusetts; Chevy Chase, Maryland; Naples, Florida; Ladue, Missouri; Evanston, Illinois; Overland Park, Kansas; Vail, Colorado; and Sausalito, California.  The reserves are not refrigerated, because butter will not melt in the mouths of women in these high-income areas. 

There are currently 4.4 million barrels on hand at these locations, a figure that some believe should be increased to counter supply shortages anticipated with the commencement of new television shows this fall.  "I would like to see us get back to the levels we had before Martha Stewart went to jail," said Evan Piccione, an Assistant Undersecretary for Deportment in the State Department's Bureau of Table Manners.

            Political observers say the President is unlikely to soften his pro-crudity stance in the run-up to this fall's elections for fear of offending his base.  "If you stop talking with you mouth full, you might as well write off much of the South and the Midwest," said Larry Morris, a professor of political science at the University of Richmond. 

"There are pockets of crudity in the heavily-Democratic Northeast, such as Warwick, Rhode Island, and Flushing, Queens, where women scratch their armpits while eating at diners," he notes, "but they do not turn out in high numbers for off-year elections."

 Copyright 2006, Con Chapman

Don't Mess with Condoleeza, Mr. President!

Mess with the Bull you get the Horns!

Tried To Warn Ya!

Condoleeza Rice told colleagues that she was appalled at the slow reaction to Hurricane Katrina.

She had urged President Bush to do more, but at that time, Bush wasn't listening to black people.

Condoleeza Rice steps off the UNattractive plane.