It's so hot today all the casinos switched to strip poker.

It's so hot today I ordered a New York strip and 3 dancers from New York started taking their clothes off.

It was so hot today my sushi deluxe came out fully cooked.

It was so hot today everyone visited their physician and begged for a cold.

It was so hot today my ice cream popsicle burnt my tongue.

It's so cold here in DC that the Washington Monument shriveled.

NBC CEO Jeff Zucker is looking forward to hell because it's nice and hot.

Andy Rooney's latest installment on 60 Minutes went something like this :  " Susie's mother sent me a box of Honey-Bell Oranges the other day . I bit into one only to find that little bastard Susie switched them with a box of orange-colored lemons . I really hate kids even more than I hate the holidays  .  Anyway, I was very happy to see sub-freezing temperatures in Florida recently . It was heart-warming for me to watch citrus growers scrambling to save their crops while losing millions of dollars in the process .       I enjoy the changing of the seasons here in New York . If I must suffer during these long, cold, winter months, so should the people who live in warm places like Florida and Hawaii . I also enjoy a few big snowstorms every year . I always wonder if somebody in my neighborhood will get a heart attack while shoveling snow ?   I hate to spend money, but at my age I rather pay a few bucks than die . Who wants to do all that back-breaking work when you can hire a couple of Mexicans for practically nothing ?   ........  I also look forward to those dark, cold, rainy days of winter that most normal people hate . I love a heavy soaking down-pour and seeing all those busy streets in Manhattan flooded . I enjoy seeing cold, shivering people all huddled together under one umbrella while waiting for a bus . I just can't resist the urge to hit the gas pedal of my big Lexus and aim for the puddles in the right lane . I wish you could see the terror on their faces when they know the're about to get hit by a wall of ice-cold water !  It really puts a big smile on an old man's face . .................................................................................disclaimer, not an actual quote by Mr Rooney   

Did you ever notice that Home Depot has more Handicap Parking spaces then any other store in the Universe?

They must have 50 spots all along the front and they’re ALL empty.

NO handicap people are breaking down the doors to buy wood, or tools, or toilets, or whatever. They are not going to do home repairs. If you see a handicap spot with a car in it, stop and check who comes out of the store. 9 out of 10 times it’s some geek pushing his poor mom in a wheelchair. AND the only reason he took her there was because she hounded him for weeks to paint her drab crypt he has her locked in in the cellar.

The reason I brought this up is, today I went to Home Depot and there were no empty spots in the loading section and there was a long line of traffic waiting to load up And of course, all the handicap spots were empty and the only place to park was way out in the boon docks. I was a little upset because I was buying a bunch of plywood that I would have to drag back to my van. In the snow. And the wind. And the rain. And the cold.

So, after I park a way out in right field and I’m trudging back to the store I pass a car parked in the regular parking spots with a Handicap Parking Sticker hanging from the rear view mirror. Boy, was I steamed. I ran back to my car and wrote a note and went back and stuck it on their windshield.

The cold wave might be easing up. Restaurant owners down in Florida have begun to report sightings of the ”coupon-clutching early bird”.

It got below freezing in Mississippi last week. All over the state, to cope with the cold, residents gathered in groups, warming their hands over each other's necks, all of which were glowing a nice bright and warm red.