U. S. President Barack Obama was stunned by the early exit after the first round of voting by the Olympic Committee.  His surprise arrival, in Copenhagan, Denmark, fueled speculation that he wanted to “pitch” in person, a new Olympic event similar to baseball. 

After viewing clips of Chicago gangs fighting and swinging railroad ties at each other, the committee members decided to send a message: BASEBALL 1, BASEBRAWL 0

The International Athletic Federation is forcing South Africa's Caster Semenya to undergo a gender test. They're going to show her clips of “The View” and see whether or not she throws up.
 

Larry King said he's got a great show in store for his viewers tonight . Old time actor Mickey Rooney and veteran CBS News commentator Andy Rooney .  Mickey discusses his 88 years in show business, his 8 marriages, and the thousand's of young Hollywood starlets he made love to .  Andy promises not to be boring either as he shows off his vast collection of thumb tacks, paper clips,  jars of old buttons, rusty keys, and Indian Head pennies .  ...............................................................................................(kascha-whitney)

The longest solar eclipse of the century took place Wednesday across Asia.   Because an eclipse is considered unlucky in India, thousands swarmed the Ganges River to “cleanse their souls”.  During this cleansing ritual, an 80 year old woman was killed and 8 other seriously injured in a scene that was described in horror by one witness as “a stampede-like situation”.   In a related story, three virgins were sacrificed in a neighboring village to help expel the bad luck brought on by a thunder storm. 

No wonder I had such a hard time getting tech support.

Chestnut swallowed 68 wieners eclipsing the previous record held by Paris Hilton.

The singer's death left coverage lacking for other noteworthy news events:

1.  Six GOP governors admit to orgy ring based in Madrid, Spain.

2.  Jay Leno admitted to "Hospital for the Morose" in Carlsbad, New Mexico.

3.  Angelina Jolie adopts a village of 189 children. Father Jon Voight now regrets having had sex. Hillary ecstatic. Elbow healing well.

4.  Obama appoints last Russian Czar. Will oversee caviar usage at White House.

5.  McDonald's to introduce RONALD, a new car that runs on fat.

Phil Jackson has spliced clips of the movie Miracle at St. Anna into Lakers video sessions as part of his attempt to add a certain theme to every playoff series. Evidentially the theme of this year's playoffs is horrible movies.