Includes an updated version of a holiday classic, "I'm dreaming of a Sammy Sosa Christmas."

Fort Collins, Colorado's Holiday Display Task Force recommended putting up only white lights because red and green lights might be seen an endorsement of the Christian religion.  ***MARLAR: Because we all remember the story of how Jesus miraculously changed the colors of light bulbs for his birthday. 

In this updated 3-D version of the Dickens classic, cold-hearted Scrooge is played by Jim Carrey.  Carrey got the role after it was turned down by Dick Cheney.

Surveillance video at an apartment building captured a deer swimming in an indoor pool for about 15 minutes on Friday. "We were just in shock. We just could not get over it," Meredith Gaddis, the manager at the Ashley Arms apartment building said. The four-point buck apparently had made its way onto the roof above the pool and fell through. The animal, lucky to have survived the fall, proceeded to take a dip. Workers eventually chased the deer out of the building and it ran off into the wilderness.  ***MARLAR: With a nasty case of chlorine-eye.  (The deer have to get as much relaxation time in as possible before Christmas Eve.)

The Cleveland Cavaliers plan to save $40,000 by switching from paper Christmas cards to electronic ones. It was either that or charge Shaquille O'Neal a nickel every time he missed a free throw.

It's too bad Bob Dylan's Christmas album wasn't released during the Bush administration.   Al-Qaeda terrorists would have given up all their secrets.

Is Bob Dylan Christian or Jewish these days? It's so hard to keep track. There should be a web site for that like "Is Twitter Down?" Yeah, there's an app for that.

A pair of newlyweds have purchased their dream house in Hamburg, Germany, but were horrified with what they discovered as they moved in. They found the skeletal remains of a man who had been stuck in the chimney for almost 50 years.  ***MARLAR: Wait... is this a scary Halloween story or an even scarier Christmas story?

A tearful David Letterman announced on his show just how sorry he was to everyone who was hurt by his scandalous sexual indiscretions that became public headlines recently .  " It was so much fun to screw around with my girls until I got caught . That blackmailer guy ruined everything for me . "  " Anyway, i plan to give all the people i wronged a special gift for Christmas . A 5% pay increase and a $500 gift card to Fredericks of Hollywood , plus another $500 gift card for Victoria's Secret ! " ..........................................................................(kascha/whitney)

What's Santa bringing to Paris Hilton and Pamela Anderson this Christmas ?  Why it's the  " David Letterman Sex Video "  of course !  Narrated by former New York State Governor Elliot Spitzer .