The artificial turf at Swaziland's only football stadium has been ripped apart by players who planted magic charms known as "muti" under the field.  In three months the "muti"  is expected to fetch about $120 an ounce.

“Coming up with band names was always a big problem for me, that is, it used to be until I met Sean Crespo and started using his patented INDIE BAND BRANDER. It works! And now so do I! Sometimes! Thanks Sean!”
—Remy Andrews, back-up bass guitarist for Wolves a-Fisting
No need to thank me Remy. The half-off comps to your show Sunday morning at that basement church annex you rented out was reward enough. Sorry I couldn’t make it but I had to be somewhere that was not there. I’m sure you understand. And Remy, for your next testimonial, try to cut down on the number of exclamation points. It waters down the effectiveness! (See?)

Now as everyone knows, if you want to “make it” in the music industry, naming your band is 99% of the work. Though of less importance, it should be mentioned the other 1% is split pretty evenly between talent, lighting, and, of course, how silky smooth your mouth is. Music industry executives won’t come right out and tell you that last part, shy and delicate creatures that they are, but I’ve seen more deals fall through at the last minute due to some lazy singer’s chapped lips.

“Moisturize early and moisturize often!” are the words I had posted on a sign over the bathroom door at our offices—or rather those are the words that used to be posted over the door, until the ACLU got involved and I was forced to remove it (and the cameras).

Enough about me. My court dates are pending, but your success doesn’t have to be! Remember, “indie’ is the new “pop/rock,” so make it happen for your band right now with the right branding.

Call for a private consultation or sample our public domain naming service below to see if you’re ready to make the leap from mediocre to The Mediocres.

Yours,
Sean Crespo

1. GERUND + PROPER NOUN
By far, one of the simplest methods to lend your indie band that façade of eclecticism necessary in appealing to the trust fund babies in Salvation Army clothes who make up the majority of the indie scene is this simple pairing of gerunds with proper nouns. Simple, yet it powerfully evokes the kind of visceral aloofness and snarkiness that would make one of these hipsters smile, if it wasn’t totally gay to smile that is.
Below are some examples of potential indie band names:

Pretending Diane
Channeling Bolivia
Fornicating Popes

In addition, there are several adjustments you can make to this technique. To evoke the concept of cosmopolitanism through your name, try using a European landmark as your proper noun. EX:

Freezing the Gardens at Versailles
Filibustering Big Ben
Streaking the Chunnel

However, if you are going for more of the “ironically contemptuous consumer lashing out at the world” sort of feel—which is very marketable right now, using a brand name for your proper noun will give you the extra edge in presenting yourself as the hard-core individualist that your $40 Jesus Is My Homeboy t-shirt from Urban Outfitters already proclaims you to be. EX:

Running Kleenex
Scavenging Tivo
Razing Dannon

And if the company whose name you’ve co-opted sues you, just explain to the judge that the use of the name was meant to be satirical and it’s not your fault that “those paper pushers at (company name) didn’t get it.” This strategy worked wonders for me when I was lead singer of URINATING ON THE FOX NEWS CORP.
(Where were you on that one, ACLU?)

2. NOUN + OCCUPATION
A subtle but important variation on option 1 above is the joining together of any noun with the name of an unrelated general occupation. EX:
Lamp Bandits
Chair Senseis
Styrofoam Gymnasts
Pant Engineers
Sandal Photographers
Sink Farmers

I feel it only fair to mention that I am simply looking around my apartment for objects at this point, but that’s how easy it is. But don’t feel you have to get stuck inside to come up with your band name. The list of nouns is nearly endless once you step out the door1. I’m looking out my window right now. Look, here’s another band name.

Tree Conductors

I’m really hitting a groove here. I could do this all day. I mean, there are a million things outside my apartment I can see right now. Look—

Cloud Chefs
Manhole Bakers
Crackhead Preachers
Reasonably Priced Tranny Auteurs
Broad Daylight Stabbing Janitors

The list just goes on and on. And of course, the objects near you will be indicative of where you’re living at the time, further enhancing the character of your name. But be careful to choose the right nouns. Since I’m in New York, naturally all the band names that come from my observations will be exciting and a little provocative. Other locations have their own charms and pitfalls. If you are in Kansas City for instance, you will probably be tempted to name your band after the most frequently spotted object in Kansas, eg Bible Somethings. I suggest you avoid that and keep looking. Too many bands coming out of the midwest start off with the word Bible these days. Be inventive. Look for things you normally wouldn’t see, like... other books... or rational conservatives... or foreheads that aren’t sloped like a Cro-Magnon’s. Have fun with it!

3. CHARACTER NAME + TECHNICAL SOUNDING NOUN
I myself am guilty of naming my own website through this technique. The Marcus Halberstram Experiment isn’t named so by accident. And since my own advice worked for my website—now home to over 12 unique visitors a month--why shouldn’t it work for your indie band?2 Of course, the character reference you choose will decide what kind of crowd you’ll pull in. If you want more of a well-read group coming to your shows, something like...
Ishmael’s Muon
Equus’ Scalpel
Tim Russert’s Geosynchronous Orbit3
...is your best bet. But maybe you hate mingling after shows and would like your fan base to come from the socially handicapped circles who order Shirley Temples for their 2 drink minimum and rush home after the show to catch sci-fi channel Dr. Who-athons. If that’s the case, try something like...
Sauron’s Torque
Hagrid’s Theorem
Green Lantern’s Differential Survival of Organisms

Well that’s all for now. Good luck. But remember, we offer a number of services for artists of all walks.

Comedians, check out Sean Crespo’s The Five Comic Personalities America Understands: Manic Physical Performer, Low Energy One-Liner Writer, Fake Anger Guy, Benign Observational Performer, and Foul Mouthed Female.

Painters, check out Sean Crespo’s Free Children’s Art to Pawn Off As Your Own Stylized Modern Work.

Christian fantasy novel writers, just check out.


1Not applicable to people who live in glass houses.*
*I mean that literally. Frank Lloyd Wright sure was something, huh?

2Rhetorical. Please don’t email with the answer to this. Please.

3Tim Russert is an actual person and not a character, though in all fairness, several guests have made compelling cases that his super human impartiality while maintaining status as a Washington insider is proof he must be “acting.” Food for thought.*
*Food For Thought would also make a great indie band name. I call dibs.**
**Calling Dibs, also a good indie name. Crap, I’m on a roll.***
***On a Roll would not be a good indie name. You can have that one. It’s free.