You've been sentenced to state prison--for a long time.

   When you're finally delivered to your new home--and meet your gorilla-like cellmate--this is not a sign you want to see hanging on the wall:  "I'VE GOT YOUR BACK!" 

There's a new kind of DWI, driving while intoxicated by your cell phone. People talking on their cells are almost completely oblivious to what goes on around them, according to a new study from Western Washington University. Researchers used a clown riding a unicycle past participants to test the awareness of nearly 350 pedestrians. When asked if they saw the clown, 71% of those walking with a friend remembered the clown, as did 61% of those listening to music. But shockingly, only 25% of the cell phone users remembered seeing a clown on a unicycle. "If people experience so much difficulty performing the task of walking when on a cell phone, just think of what this means when put into the context of driving safety," says psychology professor Ira Hyman.  ***MARLAR: I’m not sure this is a fair analysis.  Couldn’t it be that we just see clowns on the road so often that we’re just desensitized to them?

The French have invented a cell phone that works underwater.  ***MARLAR: Which is amazing, because most phones can’t get a decent signal even on dry land.

A man distracted by a low-flying pelican and dropped cell phone drove his sports car into a marsh near Galveston.  Today the man was hired as a pilot by Northwest Airlines.

A Florida man has been arrested for repeatedly making sexual comments to a 911 dispatcher. Joshua Basso claims it was the only number he could dial after his cell phone ran out of minutes. No word on if he was calling "hands free" or not. 

www.jerrywolski.com

A man caught having sex with a horse in a South Carolina stable has been sentenced to three years in prison. I don't know who to feel sorry for, the horse or his new cell mate?

Tom Cruise says he has no interest in modern gadgets and refuses to have a cell phone, watch or an e-mail address.  ***MARLAR: I never thought I’d say this, but I envy Tom Cruise.

Avis continues to try harder.  The rental car company is offering customers a wireless Internet service to use in its rented cars, hotel rooms and other places a traveler might go.  The Avis Connect service -- as it is called -- is priced at ten dollars, 95 cents a day. It can transmit a Wi-Fi signal to multiple laptops and other mobile devices at the same time.  ***MARLAR: We complain about people using cell phones and eating Big Macs while driving – now they’ll be watching YouTube. 

A man enraged by a noisy family sitting near him in a movie theatre shot the father of the family in the arm, police said. James Joseph Cialella of Philadelphia faces six charges that include attempted murder and aggravated assault. Upon hearing this, United Artist Theaters has announced a new policy. Customers are encouraged to bring firearms to the movie theater and shoot the first person that answers their cell phone during the movie.

Siemens Mobile, a German telecommunications company, is developing the first cell phone that will tell you if you stink. It has a microchip that scans nearby air for smells, including halitosis, alcohol and atmospheric gas, and alerts users if their breath is bad or they are giving off offensive odors. ***MARLAR: And if the smell is really bad, it dials 911.