According to The National Education Forum, 90 out of 100 teachers believe that fraction reduction is a critical math skill.

There's a new kind of DWI, driving while intoxicated by your cell phone. People talking on their cells are almost completely oblivious to what goes on around them, according to a new study from Western Washington University. Researchers used a clown riding a unicycle past participants to test the awareness of nearly 350 pedestrians. When asked if they saw the clown, 71% of those walking with a friend remembered the clown, as did 61% of those listening to music. But shockingly, only 25% of the cell phone users remembered seeing a clown on a unicycle. "If people experience so much difficulty performing the task of walking when on a cell phone, just think of what this means when put into the context of driving safety," says psychology professor Ira Hyman.  ***MARLAR: I’m not sure this is a fair analysis.  Couldn’t it be that we just see clowns on the road so often that we’re just desensitized to them?

In Minneapolis, a linguist revealed that he only spoke Klingon to his son for the first 3 years of his life, prompting conservatives to hail this as more effective at stopping teen pregnancy than abstinence-only sex education.

I am glad to see Newsweek using sex to promote the magazine(Sarah Palin cover).  The awful covers of the past were the most unattractive containing the ugliest people.  Now, I hope your highly trained publishing staff takes it to a new level.  Let’s have fold outs of Hillary Clinton, Nancy Pelosi, Molly Ivin ( oops sorry, past away),  and of course Michelle!.  These could be done tastefully…like that Burt Reynolds fold out years ago.  In order to be politically correct, how about Senators Bird, Reed, and maybe even commentators such as Keith Olbermann.  He is always looking for ways to promote himself-look at Sunday Night Football (talk about odd ball-it's like having Bozo in a discussion with scientists on Global Warming). I would add Limbaugh and some others, but they are not good looking enough for your high quality publication.  I suggest sticking to Liberals, The Beautiful People! Why, maybe your editors could win the Nobel Peace prize for Literature using sex.  After all, sex is true peace!   Gene Stray

Allen Iverson has placed phone calls with the Knicks and the Bobcats. Up next, the Suicide Hotline.

   Early in Bill Clinton's career--at a well-attended political rally--this young, attractive pregnant woman was brandishing a large sign, which read:  "CLINTON IS THE ONE!"

   When candidate Clinton spotted her, he quickly left Hillary's side and made his way through the crowd to ask the swollen, slightly startled supporter, "Madam, would you mind exchanging signs with someone?" 

   Former-Catholic abortionist to Buddhist priest:  "Master, now that I've converted to Buddhism--when I die--I'll simply reincarnate, and won't have to deal with that whole hell thing."

   Priest:  "Yes, doctor, that is true.  But, how can I put it?--you're not going to believe the fucking karma!" 

Indian cattle are getting individual identity cards to prevent cattle rustling. Authorities in West Bengal say cows and bulls are often stolen then smuggled into Bangladesh. ***MARLAR: Most of the cows fainted though when shown the ID’s leather carrying case.

A United Airlines pilot was arrested at London's Heathrow Airport yesterday for being drunk .  The co-pilot allegedly blew the whistle on pilot Erwin Vermont Washington just moments before they were to take-off . Washington denied he was intoxicated at the time of his arrest . As Scotland Yard detectives escorted Mr Washington out of the cockpit and into a waiting police car, he was heard shouting,  " You damned Brits still can't get over losing the colony 230 years ago ! "   Asked what he will do for a job afterwards, Washington told a reporter " I'll probably sign-up with Northwest Airlines . "

   Most people are shocked to learn that math-physics innovator and unqualified genius, Albert Einstein, was a dedicated skirt-chaser.

   Quite appropriately, his favorite line was:  "My wife just doesn't understand me."