It is official, myspace cracks me up. Today I was on there and a fat woman was posing in a bikini seductively. I mean granted, I believe all bodies are beautiful but some people are even more beautiful with their clothes on. I mean, you got to give the lady credit for having the balls to pose semi-nude because clearly she knows there are assholes like myself making fun of her. But come on, I would like to keep my lunch. I see so many people on myspace with identity crisis issues. One lady has kids and stuff but talks about how all she does is reconnect with old boyfriends. Why the hell would you want to reconnect with an old boyfriend? Not only do you look desperate and unhappy with your own life but you cause trouble in everyone else’s you home wrecking bitch. Granted, I am not one to really stay friends with old boyfriends. I don’t hold grudges either. It didn’t work out, shit happens, I move on. But going back to the glory days of the back seat in high school. That is shit assed desperate. Especially since sweetheart, his love wand is much more pathetic than you remember it being. Another thing that gets me are the moms who not only have identity crisis issues but have the pop music on their pages. Its like, wow, totally obvious you are still stuck in the phase of your life when you passed notes. And then they all blog about their kids....make me want to vomit. I mean seriously, was high school that great? I never thought so. I had friends but the guys were stupid and the girls were bitches. Though I had my fun I have moved on with my life and will keep on moving on. Two losers I have dated are on myspace though, and I friended neither one of them. One talked about how he thought a drunk chick was hot and wanted to take full advantage of her while she was passed out. The other has made it his sole mission in life to find a quality drug dealer. I do not hate either one of these men, but this may give you some indication of why it didn’t work out between us. I already have the man in jail, the almost rapist, and the druggie. I would say alls left is the stalker but I just got done dealing with that one. I guess what gets me are the bulletins. I don’t care what kind of cat I would have...actually I would need to care if I were going to a Korean restaurant. I don’t care what kind of lover I am. Hell, I already know I am the type that says to the guy, “I never said it was your job to be faithful. Shut the hell up, do your job, and get out. I have things to do.” I most certainly do not think I would be a super hero in reguards to that bulletin. No siree Bob. I would be the Joker. Anything to ruin someone elses day. I did send out one bulletin. It was called Dumb Sluts Say the Darnest Things. Well because they do. So let that be a lesson little girls. Don’t become a dumb slut. Learn how to say no to men....because it is not a word they want to hear. And if you cannot say no charge them money, so that way you can become a smart slut as well as an entrepreneur. But women on myspace never cease to amaze me. They pose in these bikinis in attempts to seduce jobless losers who are fat, thirty, and whack off in mamas basement all the live long day. One chick had the caption next to her name in quotes “rape me.” Im thinking wow, when it actually does happen and you go crawling to NOW and the defense team will have a nice piece of evidence on their side now wont they? I am by no means saying rape is ever the victims fault. It never is. As a matter of fact I am a staunch victims rights advocate. The above was to demonstrate how (mostly male) defense lawyers in a case like that would use something so stupid as a defense. But hey, they are just as brutish are their Neanderthal clients who don’t deserve to breathe my air. Then again, those are the people who spend all day on myspace. And that is another thing, the people who spend all day on myspace. Do they not know you need fresh air to live? Do they not have a life, jobs? I had a sick boyfriend girlfriend duo of sorts giving me shit on the site. Both were fat and unemployed. They called me a wimp when I didn’t fight back. When meanwhile I am working three jobs and trying to finish college and balance a comedy career. Sorry if I don’t have time to go to war on the internet. Then again, I would say mature adults don’t do that but I don’t think that was the level we were competing at. The letters from high school aged boys are the best in my opinion. They tell me how hot I am and I am like wow. So I always ask them two questions: 1. Does your mother know you are up this late? 2. Did you study for math because we both know damn well you are failing that class. And then there are the women who get pissy when you don’t friend them right away because you have other things to do. One lady wrote me a nasty note and I told her not only was I not friending her but reccommeding she seriously get a life. People create these pathetic small worlds on that site whether they are reliving their glory days before they either got knocked up and fat or they are just having identity issues in general. But I like myspace despite it being invaded with so many losers. I can network and meet the friends I have and keep track of folks. But sometimes, sometimes, the place just cracks me up. But if you are my friend on myspace know in my heart that I do love you. And for any and all that remembered my birthday....thank you. Love, April
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