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Search "Bruise" returned 8 Jokes
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Albert Hayden
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The peach farmer’s mistress

By: Albert Hayden (C)
Submitted: Oct 27, 2009
Category: Blogs  
From Hot Topic

Hooker

193 Jokes  5 Videos

My wife Jenny and I have two conditional rules in our three-year-old marriage once a month I am allowed to sleep with a hooker and when she is away for extended periods of time, I am allowed to sleep with our neighbours’ 18-year-old daughter Nancy Smith. Now the only conditions about these two rules are that my wife is never allowed to find out about either the hookers or randy Nancy.

Being a writer, I spend most of my day at home while my wife works at some bank (who’s name I am not allowed to mention) as a consultant. I spend at most about five months a year really writing; the other months are spent promoting whatever I have written and mowing the lawn or something. Depending on my mood and emotional health, some months or years I simply just take off. This means that most often I have a lot of time to kill by practising my hobbies such as growing peaches in our backyard or bedding Mr and Ms Smiths’ youngest daughter.

Nancy’s visits used to be a once-a-week thing due to her possessive boyfriend and her busy schedule as a first-year medical student, but the weekly visits were fine with me since I was only fucking her for the experience of her tight vagina and her fetish to be tied up. Months later when my wife caught us in bed together for the first time, Nancy was getting fucked like a dog with her head forced into the pillow and her hands tied behind her back ― a scene my wife labeled as “barbaric” and “distastefully brutal”.

After about a month of screwing around, Nancy dumped her possessive boyfriend which meant that we were able to play on a daily basis. Each morning after my wife left for work, Nancy would attend her first class of the day which usually involved biting and bondage. The sweet “ding dong” sound of the front doorbell ringing while I laid in bed reading the paper went as well with my coffee as blasphemy. My first-touch with sunlight for the day would usually be when I open the door for Nancy. Her routine ― yet irritating and redundant ― question of “Is the lovely wife gone?” would usually be the only words out of her mouth not dictated through screams. I usually respond by saying: “I am going to fuck you so hard you are going to split in half.” Nancy’s daily visits opened up the windows to both experimentation and wariness. When my wife caught us for the second time together I was once again entering Nancy from a rear position. This time the words “In here” were written on Nancy’s lower back with a black marker and an arrow was pointing towards her anus ― unlike the previous time, my wife refrained from making a comment.

My affair with Nancy became the oyster garden for my inspiration as a writer, but not for my life. Even though a lot of work was being done behind the typewriter and behind the 18-year-old sexual prodigy, I kind of became bored with life. Screwing Nancy behind my wife’s back was exciting to a certain extend, but I had a bigger lust for wickedness. At the tender age of 27 I have achieved tremendous success by means of simply minimising my workload and maximising my self-confidence and persistency. But despite all of that, I have simply run out of ways to enjoy the simple things in life. It started to feel that every day I lived and every single thing I did was just another forgettable moment that has passed. The more I searched for excitement the more erratic my behaviour became, especially my new-found habit of touching myself while in conversation.

My sudden change in behaviour and my refusal to go for therapy did raise some questions among my loved ones, especially my beloved wife (who won’t learn about my and Nancy’s affair for another three months). Jenny was starting to feel guilty and she admitted that due to her long hours at the office, she was neglecting me. I wasn’t that bothered by Jenny’s “negligence” because I was too busy fucking Nancy and maintaining my mini orchard to even notice that there was a distance growing between me and my wife. I was however very amused by the irony of the entire situation since I was convinced that my wife was having an affair with a co-worker, Michelle Olwagen. My suspicions of my wife having an extramarital relationship with a female co-worker didn’t bother me even the slightest bit; for starters, I was busy fucking a barely legal teenager on a daily basis and secondly, it’s not like some other guy was putting his fat cock inside my wife.  And even though I have never met or seen Michelle Olwagen before in my life, I knew someone very well who knew her very well.

It was a Thursday evening and there wasn’t a cloud in the sky when I drove through the city on my way back from a meeting with my publisher. I was waiting for the green light at a robot when my eye caught two superfine women standing on the street corner; the one was smoking a cigarette and the other one was exchanging words with a distinctive gentleman who looked like a policeman. Judging by the way the women were dressed and the quality of the area, the thought that they were hookers didn’t even pass through my mind ― I would rather have mistaken them for two power-dressed lawyers than streetlovers. But when they approached my car with a charismatic “Hey there, you” I knew that they are the type of women who only accepts cash.

Now I have never really gone as far as my brother to actually sleep with one of the princesses of twilight, but it has always been somewhat of a hidden desire and definitely in the top spot of my to-do list. If this part of my life had a chapter, I would have called it: “Meeting the other end of the rope”.

Prostitutes have always been similar to a good movie to me. If a lot of different people pay money to go see a movie, it is most certainly a box-office hit. The same goes for a prostitute. If many different guys, who could rather fuck their wife or girlfriend, would go so far as to pay a woman to fuck her, then her box must surely be a hit.

The two prostitutes that approached my car must have been somewhat of an upper class or new to the business, because they were too well groomed for a hooker ― especially the way the one’s pubic hair was trimmed into the shape of a half-moon. The same night I saw the one prostitute’s moon-shaped pubes, I learned that she does prostitution as a part-time job and to “watch people act frail”. I found this absolutely intriguing.

That first night I met my two new friends ― Moonflower and Gothgirl69 ― I bought them both. They were so cheap, it was literally a buy one get one free special. I took them to a Holiday Inn near my house because it would raise the minimum amount of suspicion and most importantly, it was convenient for me. Since I am the type of guy who has enough confidence in his sexual performance, I don’t do threesomes or orgies. So when we approached the elevator, I told Moonflower to kindly wait in the bar area while I take her friend, Gothgirl69 (which turned out to be a competitor), to the hotel room so we could get things up to business. After I did both of them and paid for their drinks while they waited their turn, I gave them their money and assured them that we would hook up again ― I did, however, only continue seeing Moonflower.

From there on it became a regular thing. The sex I had with the prostitute, Moonflower, was passionate and gentle and the sex I had with Nancy was violent. My wife, who still haven’t found out about my affairs, kept on working long hours and I was still convinced that she was sleeping with that Michelle girl. Now and then my wife would query on the bite marks and bruises on my body. Once when I contracted a mysterious rash on my dick (most likely from Nancy, but it turned out to be Moonflower), I narrowly escaped being caught out before telling my wife that I got the rash from her and that she might be suffering from some fungus on her virginal area (luckily for me, Jenny just happened to have a fungus on her left lip which she contracted from Michelle).

It was close encounters like these that made me master the art of lying to Jenny, usually about the origin of my injuries.  Sometimes I even confused Jenny into believing that she gave them to me during some sexual brawl.

“Those are your handy work my love,” I would often say to her before accepting her apology which was usually followed by a missionary-style fuck. It is when the sex life you share with your wife is degraded to plain old missionary style that you know that the spark is gone. But in the rare times that I did however made passionate love to my wife, it was usually with anger ― not the angry sex that I had with Nancy, but the type of angry sex that says, “What the fuck have we done to each other?” Sometimes Jenny wanted our lovemaking to be soft and gentle; I preferred thrusting her like I was paying to do so.

The morning my wife caught me with Nancy for the second time, I thought that it was over for sure. It was only after an embarrassed Nancy left and my wife and I sat down at the kitchen table that she confessed to having an affair.  My wife told me that she was suffering from depression and that the affair was with a female colleague; she further told me that her lover had decided to end their eight-month affair after meeting a man. As I held my wife I felt her tears running down my chest which still carried the aroma of Nancy’s pussy― and at that moment I told her that I only slept with Nancy three times and that she caught us two out of the three times. But whether my wife believed me or not about the “three times” I had been with Nancy, it was the truth when I told her that I would never see Nancy again. After four months with Nancy, we have literally exhausted our imaginations and our sexual abilities ― there was simply nothing more humanly possible that we could do in the bedroom.

After my wife confessed to her affair with Michelle Olwagen, we didn’t separate. It had absolutely no affect on our relationship as most people would imagine. We did however start to have somewhat of a steamier sex life ― Jenny even allowed me to butt-fuck her ― and she also started seeing a therapist to help her deal with her depression. Jenny and I agreed to work harder at our marriage, but I wasn’t able to let Moonflower go. With Nancy out of my life and my wife under the impression that the holes in our marriage were all patched up, I was able to continue my affair with the prostitute.  One evening when my wife was out with friends, I invited moonflower over to our house for the first time.  She told me that due to the feelings she started to have for me after months of sleeping together, it was no longer necessary for me to pay her. She sex that followed was the worst sex I ever had with Moonflower; I guess since money was no longer involved it just wasn’t the same. That night was the final straw in my marriage. When my wife caught me for the third time with another woman, she did have a comment.

“So this is the jerk you have left me for, Michelle?”


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Ken Newton
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ESPN Reporter Bruised by Balls on her Chin

By: Ken Newton (C)
Submitted: Jul 11, 2009
Category: Sports  
From Hot Topic

ESPN

39 Jokes  1 Videos

ESPN Reporter Bruised by Balls on her Chin

Oh, wait.  Erin Andrews was hit by a Foul Ball on the chin.  Sorry.   


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Chaz Rinehold
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Chaz-isms Flipibonyx

By: Chaz Rinehold (C)
Submitted: Apr 15, 2009
Category: Blogs  
From Hot Topic

Gay and Lesbian

503 Jokes  23 Videos


Category:
Writing and Poetry

Chaz-izims update Aug 18, 2008 or the Weekly

Freaky Speaky Updizzy My Nizzy.

"If you're to cool to Holla, then sit still & swalla!"

AntiEbonyx: (prn: An-Tee E-bon-icks) 1.Treatment used to rehabilitate caucasians (i.e. whites, Honkies, the Man, Cracka, Wigga, Brady Bunch and Wood) suffering from a severe form of Terets Syndrome in which these individuals uncontrolably speak and act as if they were inter city Afro-American males struggling to survive the daily socio-economic trials and tribulations of being cursed as Black man in the White Devil's Paradise. Most will claim that they grew up with the same hardships and predjudice as any "Homie" today dealing with the reality that the only way up and out of the gutters of thier hoods and projects is by Pimpin, Slangin, Ballin, Hoopin, Rappin, Prison or a Pine Box. So since these infected whites live this life 24/7, Hood Slang is thier native toung. This claim becomes lame just soon as you notice thier waivering conviction falters when thier voice gets soft and a quick glance over the sholder to see if the coast is clear before dropping the "N-Bomb" in public.

10)Triminagen: (prn: Try men again) 1. All natural, non-persciption, inexpensive treatment for lesbians.WARNING: side effects are; loss of breath, sweating, nausia, gagging, sore thoat, inflamed colon, bruised nipples, shaking leg, mod swings ranging from bliss and laughter to guilt and shame, in some cases suiside, can be habit forming, if you become uncontrolably dependent to this treatment call us immediately! Any time, any where. our cracked out responce team is standing by our hot lines ready to give you hands on treatment attacking the situation from all angles, probing all oppertunities, multiple entries if nessisary. Our large staff will work long and hard to ensure that all your needs are met, working as many shifts as nessisary to achive 100% customer satisfaction. We are hard pressed to find a cure so we will go down and rub out all lesbians of the world because together, we can lick this.

11)Here are some fun names to use for prank calls, making reservations or paging people in public.

Ivitch Urcaukopft: (prn: I bit your cock off)

Juanna Belle Jolla: (prn: Wanna blow ya)

Juan Opena: (prn: One up in ya)

His older brother Ben Opena: (prn: 'been up in ya)

Rick Dees Gentury: (prn like asian: Lick these gently)

Ishia Kama-Gazura:(prn like asian:Is she a cum guzzler?)

EsQuintin Tarintiseyo: (prn: Squinting tearing tissue, name I would use if I was an annal porn film director)

4:31 PM Speak July 24, 2008 - Thursday
Category:
Life

Here are some "Chaz-izms" that I've come up with. Feel free to use, share comment or simply ignore any of these.

1)Verbal Masterbation
:(prn:ver-Ball mas-Ter-Bay-shun)1 .speaking solely for one's own personal satisfaction, 2. mostly people in love with the sound of there own voice.

2)Macholism
: (prn:mah-Chow-liz-em)1.the infectious lowering of I.Q. in men when gathered together around women or sporting events. Beer and fried food will accelerate the syndrome instantly which will usually lead to a "pissing contest" then ultimatly a fight.

3)Mattriculate
: (prn: My Trick, You Late)1.how a Pimp would address his employee,("Ho" or "bi-atch"), for being tardy. 2."Sir/Maam, you are not on time".

4)Ephelleippy
: (prn: F,L,I,P.)1. a form of terret's syndrome that retards a Filipino's abillity to pronounce the letters "F" or "V" properly. 2. this number "75" would be pronounced "seh-Ben-ti Pie-b". ex."I tink da singer Frince is a pagot".

 

I got new Chaz-izms for you. July 25, 2008 - Friday
Current mood: froggy

5)Contemporary: (prn:Con-tem-poor-RAH-ree) 1. To be involved in any illegal or immoral skee-los occasionally for brief periods only. 2. "I'm 100% legit now but I'm behind on my court and probation fees which is why I'm only doin this CON-TEMPORARY like, then I'm out, for good this time".

6)Omnipotent
: (prn: Ahm-nip-O-tent) 1. Sterile 2. Unable to impregnate. 3."Bitch, i can't be your baby daddy cuz omnipotent!"

7)Dysentery
: (prn: dis-in terr-EE) 1. To mock or disrespect a person named Terry. 2."Yo, why you always be dyssintery?"

8)Monogamy
: (prn: Mah-noh-gah-ME) 1. Type of wood used on pimped outsteering wheels and dash boards. 2. "Nothin spells class with a capital "K" other than imported french monogamy wood trim in my S-ka-laid".

12:19 AM

Speak July 24, 2008 - Thursday
Category:
Life

Here are some "Chaz-izms" that I've come up with. Feel free to use, share comment or simply ignore any of these.

1)Verbal Masterbation:(prn:ver-Ball mas-Ter-Bay-shun)1 .speaking solely for one's own personal satisfaction, 2. mostly people in love with the sound of there own voice.

2)Macholism: (prn:mah-Chow-liz-em)1.the infectious lowering of I.Q. in men when gathered together around women or sporting events. Beer and fried food will accelerate the syndrome instantly which will usually lead to a "pissing contest" then ultimatly a fight.

3)Mattriculate: (prn: My Trick, You Late)1.how a Pimp would address his employee,("Ho" or "bi-atch"), for being tardy. 2."Sir/Maam, you are not on time".

4)Ephelleippy: (prn: F,L,I,P.)1. a form of terret's syndrome that retards a Filipino's abillity to pronounce the letters "F" or "V" properly. 2. this number "75" would be pronounced "seh-Ben-ti Pie-b". ex."I tink da singer Frince is a pagot".
 


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Steve Hofstetter's National Lampoon Sports Minute
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Red Wings Forward Has Brain Bruise

By: Steve Hofstetter's National Lampoon Sports Minute (C)
Submitted: Jun 9, 2008
Category: Sports  
From Hot Topic

Hockey

188 Jokes  1 Videos

Red Wings forward John Franzen has a bruise on his brain. Must be from all the Tigers games he's been watching.

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Chad Reiling
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It Ain't Harassment If It's Funny, Right?

By: Chad Reiling (C)
Submitted: Dec 9, 2006
Category: News  
From Hot Topic

Los Angeles

196 Jokes  8 Videos

LOS ANGELES -- A woman claims in a lawsuit that "Superman Returns" producer Jon Peters exposed himself to her and her 3-year-old daughter while she worked as his personal assistant.

"How was I to know she wouldn't appreciate my rendition of 'Lex Luthor with a bruised head'" Peters claims.


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Steve Hofstetter
Visit My Profile
Clijsters Injured

By: Steve Hofstetter (C)
Submitted: Oct 26, 2006
Category: Sports  
From Hot Topic

Tennis

51 Jokes  2 Videos

Tennis star Kim Clijsters bruised her tailbone after tripping over the spelling of her own name.


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Beth Schumann
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President 'Deeply Regrets' Falling Off Wagon

By: Beth Schumann (C)
Submitted: Sep 19, 2006
Category: Political  Staff Pick!
From Hot Topic

George Bush

653 Jokes  17 Videos

President 'Deeply Regrets' Falling Off Wagon

"I'm just glad I wasn't drunk at the time," said our nation's leader.


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Fitzi ****
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Bush Suffers Another Blow

By: Fitzi **** (C)
Submitted: Sep 17, 2006
Category: Political  
From Hot Topic

George Bush

653 Jokes  17 Videos

Bush Suffers Another Blow

President George Bush was seen sporting a bruise today, the result of stumbling over his words at a morning press conference.


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