Pacman Jones has signed a one-year deal to join the Winnipeg Blue Bombers in the CFL. Hopefully Jones can adjust to Canada's lack of firearms.

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm comedian Jerry Lewis. I was detained for carrying a gun in my baggage at an airport, and I ended up receiving a citation and having my gun confiscated. I don't see why the gun was a problem. It was unloaded, and it was just a beautiful gift from an engraver. What do you think?

Dear Jerry,

You might not see it yet, but this situation is a good thing. The world has heard you describe a gun as an object of beauty. And they're opening up to the idea that weapons are works of art.

Think of the gas-station robbers. They used to run away after shooting a cashier. Now, they stay to talk about their shooting style over wine and cheese. Robberies are huge social events. Sure, the cashiers are killed, but their bodies are perfect bullet sculptures. Gun art changes lives -- especially for cashiers.

Think of the school teachers. Now, they can get arts grants that help pay for shootings. That means teachers don't have to pay for the shooting supplies. Do you have any idea how much art stores charge for bullets?

Think of the traveling bomb artists -- so-called "terrorists." They used to be limited to doing shows on buses and trains. Now, all they have to do is pack their display bombs and head to the airport. They still ride the bus, but that's because it's the cheapest way from the explosives district. Suicide bombers like to save money, too.

You have taught the world a valuable art lesson. So you're wrong. Your taking a gun into an airport was a big deal. It's a big deal for the high-school kid with a piece in his locker. He won't be expelled. He'll get an art scholarship.

The Star Savior

10. Ebola monkeys in a barrel. Flesh eating fun for the entire family.

9. The Menendez Brothers Lunch Box with complimentary knife

8. The Andrea Yates Intertube and other bath toy sets

7. The new Where's Waldo where you have to go to Iraq to find Waldo but have to find the weapons of mass destruction too.

6. The Ann Coulter doll. Pull the string and she says, "All liberals are going to hell."

5. Bombs away with George W. Bush

4. Candy land Taliban style with land mines and those magic suicide bombers

3. Dishonorably Discharged GI Joe with his new man McGreavy

2. Hooker HIV infected Barbie. No wonder that bitch stayed so skinny

1. Rosie eats Donald doll. That asshole should know better than to call her fat

I think that if suicide bombers are gonna blow themselves up and kill themselves.  They should use poison instead of bombs.  That way there wouldn't be so many casualties.  And it's far less scary to passersby.

A group of kamikaze veterans are suing suicide bombers for

copyright infringement.

As soon as the Air-force finishes their new fleet of "Pork Powered Stealth Bombers."

ARAB STREET HAILS COURIC'S DAUGHTER SAYING U.S. "NOT THE BOSS OF US"

BAGHDAD, Iraq. Arab leaders across the Middle East today hailed Caroline Couric Monahan, ten year-old daughter of CBS News anchorwoman Katie Couric, for courageous defense of their right to hold their citizens in a state of feudal suppression. "A voice of enlightenment is heard from the mouth of a babe," said Pakistani president Pervez Musharraf, "and I'm not talking about her mother, who nonetheless has one bitchin' set of legs."

Katie Couric, America's Sweetheart

Caroline's views were invoked by her mother during the following exchange with Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice on 60 Minutes:

Condoleeza Rice

Couric: Is it really priority number one for the United States to be spreading democracy around the world?

Rice: What's wrong with assistance so that people can have their full and complete right to the very liberties and freedoms that we enjoy?

Couric: To quote my daughter, "Who made us the boss of them?"

Rice: You are such a ditz.

Couric: I replaced Dan Rather.

Rice: Big deal. "What's the frequency, Katie?"

Barbie Dream House

Leaders of al Quaeda released a tape demanding that the U.S. and Britain "heed the advice of the sage little one, and give us the right to send suicide bombers as cute as her into crowded marketplaces. Also, you forgot to get us the Barbie Dream House for our birthday."

The Moslem world is currently in the midst of the feast of Ramadan, during which followers of Islam fast during the daylight hours and eat small meals in the evening as they visit with family and friends. Hassan Khattab, head of a Moroccan Islamic terrorist cell, said he would seek Caroline's assistance in obtaining relief from the strict fasting rules. "I'm hungry and I want something to eat—now!" he said through an interpreter in Casablanca.

Bratz dolls

There has been friction between Couric and her daughter recently as Caroline requested, but did not receive, a "Bratz" doll over the summer. Katie Couric has taken the position that the popular dolls, which have been described as a sort of "Escort Service Barbie", are inconsistent with the wholesome image she wishes to project in order to improve the ratings of the CBS Evening News, which lags behind its major competitors.

Islamic militants took to the streets of the western Iraqi town of Haditha when American newsmen appeared in an effort to exploit the mother-daughter rift, chanting "Abdullah bul-bul Amir, T.J. Houshmandzadeh!", an Arabic phrase that means "We want slutty Bratz dolls, Mommy!"

Copyright 2006, Con Chapman