Unemployment is now 10.2 percent. How bad is the economy? The economy is so bad that Archie is pimping Betty AND Veronica. The economy is so bad that people are using the DMV as a portrait studio. The economy is so bad the former Miss USA, Carrie Prejean, had to pawn her implants. The economy is so bad, Donald Trump had to fire himself. The economy is so bad, the Three Little Pigs can't afford to get swine flu. The economy is so bad, the GEICO caveman ate the GEICO Gecko. The economy is so bad, Madonna adopted a baby from Detroit.

Playboy Magazine in an effort to boost sales has begun pursuing celebrity centerfolds.

November features Marge Simpson as a cover girl.

Apparently Hugh Hefner in his senility didn't realize that she's not  a real girl.

Look for upcoming issues to include...

Betty & Veronica, The Girls of Scooby Doo, and Bugs Bunny dressed as a girl bunny.

Betty Crocker is coming out with a controversial marijuana brownie mix.You can find it in the potluck section of your grocery store. 

Now look, the last thing I want is to jostle my jabbering jowls like a PEZ-DISPENSER propelling PELLETS of precipitous postulations so PREACHY that I make REV. JIM JONES serving Kewl-Aide…look more LAID BACK than a RECLINED LAZY BOY on the SIDE of SLANTED STEEP SLOPE, okay?

But truth be told, nowadays we DROOL over celebrities the same way Gargamell would DROOL over a seasoned sautéed Smirfette sulfate with the drunken munchies, alright?

They are the precious-pretentious-pod-pipers-of-popularity and we're the foolish-fawning-flea-farm-of--f*ckheads following the out of key melody of their lush, lavish, luxurious lies they live that should be like poison to our ears.

Listen, they have a job where they PRETEND to be SOMEONE ELSE, SOMEWHERE ELSE, doing SOMETHING ELSE. And don't PRETEND like they don't…cause they're f*ckn' ACTORS, remember?

Yet, we adventurously admire and adulate the fake, farce, fictional freak-a-zoids like they're best thing since SLICED DOUGH. Ironically they've spent the preponderance of their DOUGH on being SLICED twice as much than that loaf of Wonder Bread!

EVEN IF…the baker was a SAMURAI SWORD

Swinging  stunt double for Tarantino's Kill Bill Vol 2 cinematic blood baths!

Now hey when a civilian says the term 'PLASTIC SURGERY' it refers to maxing out a MasterCard. When a celebrity says it, they're referring to Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Saturdays at the Joan River's Clinic.

Honestly, don’t deny SILICON VALLEY isn’t populated by a parade of SILICONE VALLEYS!

Really folks, an average archetypal actress is an air compressor away from being a rubber sex toy!

Oh yah, nor do I mind if Blow-up-Bootaylicious-Betty is being an AIRHEAD or making me feel the effects of INFLATION on a first date cause she's just such a DOLL that manages to leave me BREATHLESS!

Christ's sake, at least my Blow-up-Bosom-Babe has an excuse for FAKE TITS, FAKE LIPS &…She's REAL enough NOT to  FAKE ORGASMS!

But look, now there's PEZ PELLETS everywhere, f*ck it, E! True Hollywood News is on.

The woman who invented the slinky died recently at 90 years old.

 She fell down the stairs.

 Actually she only fell down two stairs and then she stopped.

This has been a strange week indeed. I haven't seen this many dead celebrities since Larry King, Joan Rivers, Betty White, and Peter O'Toole went out on a double-date.