Queen Elizabeth, because if the kids really started to act up, she could lock them up in the Tower of London and have their heads cut off. Now, that's reality tv!

Taylor Swift and Taylor Hicks  and Taylor Dayne and James Taylor should all go cheer up Elizabeth Taylor, with some carols for her repetitive stress syndrome.

Kate Gosselin, from the hit TLC show Please Leave America, will soon be a guest host on The View. She will be the most useless and "How are you famous?" co-host since Sherri Shepherd, Elisabeth Hasselback, and Joy Behar. 

Elizabeth Edwards, the wife of former North Carolina Senator and presidential candidate John Edwards, has opened a furniture store.  During her husbands presidential campaign, she gained national attention by announcing the recurrence of her cancer, now considered incurable.

The store, which is on a month-to-month lease, has no love seats, but does feature an extensive collection of deathbeds.

LAPD police chief, Bill Bratton, will be dubbed “Commander of the Most Excellent Order of the British Empire by Queen Elizabeth II this September. Bratton said, “Awesome!” Then, he threw up his hands and did a killer air guitar riff.

The 10 nominee's for the  " 2009 Emotionally Challenged Female Celebrity Of The Year Award " are as follows , : 1). Liza "  With a Z " Minnelli , 2). Elizabeth " Once married a Hilton "  Taylor ,  3). " Shotgun  Sarah " Palin ,  4). LaToya " Phantom of the Opera " Jackson ,  5). Lindsay " Cat Burglar " Lohan ,  6). Debbie " I'll Kick Your Ass " Rowe , 7). Susan " Young Frankenstein " Boyle , 8). Sharon " Bad Karma " Stone , 9).  Naomi " Flying BlackBerry " Campbell ,  10). Tyra " Tyra Loves Tyra " Banks  ................The voting will take place at a later date  .........................................................................( kascha & whitney )

Elizabeth Taylor was told by Jackson family members not to attend the funeral for Michael . Father Joe Jackson told reporters, " We didn't want that old bag dying here and ruining everything for us "

Larry King has devoted every show to Michael Jackson since his untimely death last week .  I have found it to be the funniest thing on TV lately . King's guests included were, Liza ( i just escaped from the mental ward ) Minnelli ,.... Elizabeth ( i'm too crazy to speak now) Taylor, ....... Lou ( i'm not deaf ) Ferrigno ,... Cher ,... Joe ( anything for a buck ) Jackson , ... and my favorite Miko ( Coconut Hunter ) Brando .  Miko has been booked for the entire week  . Unfortunately the only thing of interest about him was his collection of really awful Hawaiian shirts ! ..... Larry King mispronounced Ferrigno's name several times in a row even after being corrected by Lou .  Former TV Incredible Hulk star Ferrigno,  describled how he and Michael practiced dancing together . He never noticed anything unusual or strange about Jackson, and he appeared perfectly fine .  Miko Brando also agreed Michael did not look emaciated or sick a few weeks ago .  I' m really hoping King will have LaToya on the show soon . I would pay money to see that ! 

A very distraught Liz Taylor phoned in Larry King to share her feelings about the recent deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett . " I'm still in a state of shock Larry .  I always feared Farrah would someday OD on Drugs and Michael would die of Ass Cancer "

What's the difference between Bethpage Golf Course and European women??
One of them has public access while the other has pubic excess....