My take on the Christmas Classic. 

Setting- Its Christmas morning, and the Who’s wake up pissed off that everything they own has been jacked by the Grinch, and are thirsty for blood.

 Narrator: All the Who’s down in Whoville awoke with a fright,

To find they’d been burglarized during the night.

With rage in their hearts the Who’s were eager to lynch,

And assembled a mob, awaiting the Grinch.

(Enter Angry Who 1, Angry Who 2, Cindy Lou Who, Mr. Lou Who, and Marty Jew Who)

Angry Who 1: Did that bastard the Grinch  rob your houses too?

Angry Who 2: He stole from us all, from ev-er-y Who!

Mr. Lou Who: He woke up my daughter as she slept through the night,

Said he gave her a drink to make her sleep tight.

He took our T.V., and the sofa from Levitz.

Marty Jew Who: For some reason he took all of my manischewitz!

Angry Who 1: Oh, Marty Jew Who, he stole Chanukah too?

Angry Who 2: The Grinch stole from everyone, including the Jew!

Mr. Lou Who: I’ve called up the cops, and they’re searching his cave.

Cindy Lou Who: I didn’t like the present that Santy Clause gave.

Angry Who 2: Quiet now, look! Over there at Mt. Crumpet!

Angry Who 1: It’s that fucker the Grinch! And he’s playing MY trumpet!!!

Narrator: So the Grinch headed down, Mistaking the ringing

Coming from Whoville as Christmassy singing…

(Enter Grinch)

Grinch: You move me, you Who’s, full of gay Yule Tide joys!

You still sing for Christmas though I stole all your toys!

But look at my sleigh, I have brought all of them back

Now let’s have a look at what’s in Santa’s sack!

Cindy Lou Who: You said that last night, I remember its true!

You said “Don’t you dare scream, I’ll kill you if you do!!

Angry Who 1: I’ve had enough of this shit, I’m taking him out!

(Enter Mayor, as the mob closes around the Grinch.)

Narrator: But right then the Who’s were all stopped by a shout!

Mayor: What’s going on here? What’s the point of this mob?

Angry Who 2: Mayor, last night that filthy old Grinch came to rob

Christmas

Marty Jew Who: And Chanukah

Angry Who 2: and now we are stuck with.

No gifts, so let’s teach him Who’s aint nothing to fuck with.

Mr. Lou Who: Mayor I think that the Grinch raped my daughter!

Right after he sent her to bed with a water!

Grinch: I never did that! How dare you accuse me!

I’ve brought back Christmas and all you do is abuse me!

Cindy Lou Who: You’ve been abused? Let’s have a look in your sack..

I doubt that you brought my virginity back.

Mayor: Before we judge him, remember his squalor

And compared to us his heart’s three sizes smaller.

(Enter Police man)

Police: We’ve just searched his cave, and well, it wasn’t pretty.

The place looked like a meth lab, and smelt pretty shitty.

We found his dog Max, who was beaten half dead

As he hauled up his sleigh with this horn on his head.

Max: woof woof

Police: He had child Who porn images that were filthy and vile

And Pete Towshend’s phone-number on his speed dial.

He lived in his filth, and had a substantial stash

In it was one pound and a half of Who hash,

Grinch: My heart’s grown three sizes sir, and I’m filled with remorse

Police: That’s ‘cause you’re on enough coke to bring down a horse.

It was there in your stash, along with PCP.

And in your cup Mary Lou, was probably a rufee.

Cindy Lou Who: It was I remember, my water it fizzed…

You said it was working, right before you

Grinch: That’s enough, alright, I’ve fucked up I’ll admit it.

But I can change my ways who’s, and the coke.. I can quit it.

Okay, I robbed Christmas, its right what you’ve told

I even stole Marty Jew Who’s stash of Jew gold.

And I rufeed the girl, and I raped her its true.

But after fifty years in that cave, Max just won’t do!

Max: Woof Woof!

Grinch: So, what would you do, all alone on Mt. Crumpet?

Going fifty years without a piece of Who Strumpet?

Mayor:  The Grinch has a point, ‘tis the season of giving

So let us Who’s begin by the act of forgiving!

Mr. Lou Who: Are you kidding me mayor? The grinch raped and robbed us!

We we’re ready to kill him, it was your ass who stopped us.

Angry Who 1: Let’s kill both of these fuckers! In time for the feast!

And we’ll dine on the Grinch instead of roast beast!

(They Attack Grinch and Mayor)

Narrator: So the Whos took the Grinch and they baked him alive

And the mayor served as stuffing and was stuffed up inside.

The Whos got their vengeance for the Christmas they were stuck with

And proved once and for all

ALL: WHOVILLE AINT NOTHING TO FUCK WITH!!!

MERRY CHRISTMAS,

Marty Jew Who: and Shabbot Shalom!

All: TO ALL, AND TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT.

Finished.

What was the difference between Patrick Swayze & Keith Floyd? One shaked body parts, and the other baked shoddy tarts!

What do you call it when a couple has kinky sex and they get off while incorporating baked pastries in the bedroom?
..."Roll Playing"...

Climatologists have narrowed down the origins of global warming to tainted Baked Alaska. 

A dog that fell overboard in seas off Australia was rescued after surviving alone on an island for 4 mos. He was picked up with a group of other dogs.  One was rich, one was an actress, one baked pies, etc.  They thought they all just on a three-hour walk.

My mom was telling me some of the people from my hometown are still very incensed about the election. One woman was fuming and said to my mother, “He’s (Barack Obama) is going to kill all the babies.” Killing all the babies would take a lot of time and energy. Plus don’t forget he has two beautiful children of his own. But this semi-middle American rant made me think of Barack Obama standing on the White House lawn with a fire and throwing a bunch of babies in. And then his wife saying, “Now this is the feast…..yum!” I don’t know. Dead babies are funny I suppose. Hey, I was reading a woman accidentally baked her kid because she put it in the oven and forgot about it. Sometimes you just need a cheap substitute for turkey. Hell if I know.

As a pro-choicer, I am in no way saying pro-lifers are dumb. Hell maybe I am. Because in the age of the needless Iraq conflict created by George W. Bush, our failing economy, and living children dying on the streets and being abused and uncared for they are thinking of the unborn. Who the hell cares about the unborn right now? If anything, the less kids you have the less money you will have to spend. So maybe focus on whats important. The needy wannabe person aka fetus with its issues may have to wait for next election. But of course they will be marching for life yet again as other more pressing issues take over the planet.

Personally I have always been pro-choice. I hate having a guy tell me what to do with my body. Hell I hate a man ordering me around in general. And these idiot right wingers go on and on about how an unborn child is innocent. Well an unborn child costs money as well. What if I do not have insurance let alone money to feed junior? Do you honestly want to have me bring it into the world? And then they say well adopt. That is an option too actually. I have several cousins that are adopted and are quite beautiful. But the whole thing is….is it easy to give away something you fed for nine months. Oh choices. Thank God for Roe v. Wade.

I will say this. I am writing my one woman show again. It is about my Superfoxiness. Perhaps I will talk about dead babies and how tasty they are in there….yum! Now onto more pressing issues. Love April

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. I'm Oscar-winning actress Helen Mirren. I recently announced that I used to love using cocaine until I found out that the cocaine trade benefited a Nazi war criminal. It may be a risky thing to admit in GQ magazine, but I think it's OK, since I quit back in the early 1980s. What do you think?


Dear Helen,

It's great that you publicly declared your former love for coke. Coke really needs good press these days, and nothing does it like a celebrity endorsement. But the best thing about your announcement is that it calls attention to an overlooked part of history -- the long history of Nazis associated with addicts going clean.

In fact, Alcoholics Anonymous was created right after Adolf Hitler opened a liquor store, The Fifth Reich. And nobody talks about it, but Adolf Eichmann, "the architect of the Holocaust," founded the first drug-rehab center. He just liked to see addicts deprived of drugs. It helped him find his calling.

It's good that you found the link between Nazis and drugs, but you have a responsibility to your junkie brethren. You must help them see the link, since they don't do much research before they buy coke. Don't let the twitching fool you. Junkies can be picky when they have a reason. It's why all crack now is baked or steamed, not fried. That's how crackheads stay so trim.

You should use your celebrity status to pressure crack dealers to put their business information on their crack packs, right next to the nutritional information, like calories, protein and fat. They might resist at first, but they'll cooperate. Remember when they started labeling coke with the "heart smart" symbol?

Junkies deserve to be informed shoppers, and you can help them move toward non-Nazi coke. Addicts want to know they're supporting the mom-and-pop coke dealers on the corners. They'd skip a fix to keep money from going to a Nazi, and they'd sleep well that night -- except for the shakes.

The Star Savior