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The FBI arrested two suspected terrorists last week after finding backpacks and cell phones in their apartment. Also on FBI watchlists? Every ninth grader in the country.
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You may or may not be familiar with the following, which has been circulating around the Internet labeled as being from a 1950's home economics textbook intended for high school girls, teaching them how to prepare for married life. In case you haven’t read it, here’s the link: http://www.mistupid.com/people/goodwife.htm <>Because I thought it was in need of an update, I’ve rewritten it to reflect the realities of married life in 2006.Here’s the 21st Century version: The Good Husband’s Guide: <>
1. Have dinner reservations made. Plan ahead, even months before, to have the best table reserved at the hottest new restaurant. This is a way of letting her know that you have been thinking about her and are concerned about her needs. Most women are hungry when they come home from work and the prospect of having to cook a good meal while you’ve been sitting in front of ESPN all day is enough to make her want to vomit. <>
2. Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to stretch your legs from being immobile on the La-Z-Boy all day, so you’ll look like you’ve been doing something productive when she arrives. Put on a new T-shirt without grease stains, wipe off any excess sweat, run a few fingers through what remains of your hair, and try to be fresh-looking. She has just been with a lot of shiny-faced young executive types, and they’re beginning to look real good. <>
3. Be a little gay and a little more interested in sharing your emotions, discussing the latest fashions, and exploring new ways of handling PMS. Her stressful day may need a lift and one of your duties is to listen to her whining and kiss her ass. <>
4. Clear away the clutter. Empty forties, cigarette butts, potato chip bags – all should be stashed at the bottom of your unused gym bag where she’s unlikely to look. Make one last trip through the main part of the house just before your wife arrives to make sure your other unemployed buddies haven’t left any trace evidence. <>
5. Gather up the kids’ unopened schoolbooks, toys, headsets, video games, dirty clothes, shoes, cell phones, iPods, Game Boys, cleats, footballs, basketballs, soccer balls, bats, baseballs, helmets, bicycles, roller blades, laptops, CDs, GPS devices, backpacks, car keys, cordless phones, makeup, drug paraphernalia, porn magazines, etc. and throw them into the trunk of your old beat-up vehicle that she won’t be caught dead driving. Then run a dust cloth (that T-shirt you changed out of in Step 2 will do) over the table. <>
6. During the cooler months of the year, you should prepare and light a fire for her to unwind by.1 Your wife will feel she has reached a haven of rest and order, and it will give you a better chance of getting some that night. After all, catering to her comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction – and might even earn you a blow job. <>
7. Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to get the glop off the children’s hands and faces, comb their hair and get it back to a semblance of its natural color, remove any offensive piercings, cover up new tattoos, and, if necessary, change their clothes and dress them in something that doesn’t cry out “Whore!” or “Ghetto Trash!” They are little treasures, and she would like to see that they have successfully survived your care for another day. <>
8. Minimize all noise. At the time of her arrival, turn off the television, radio, boom box, motorcycle engine, and all combat games. Try to encourage the children to be quiet. She will be so relieved to discover that the eerie silence does not indicate that she has arrived on the scene of a mass murder that her spirits will immediately lift. <>
9. Be happy to see her. Really. Try hard. No, harder than that. <>
10. Greet her with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please her. 2 You can do this. Grit your teeth if you must. <>
11. Listen to her. You may have a dozen seemingly important things to tell her, but the moment of her arrival is not the time. Nor is during dinner, after dinner, while watching television, when she is reading a book, while she is responding to her email, during her phone calls to girlfriends, or right before bedtime. And tomorrow doesn’t look so good either. So forget it. Let her talk first – remember, her topics of conversation are more important than yours because she makes more money than you do. <>
12. Make the evening hers. Never complain if she comes home late or goes out to dinner or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to understand her world of strain and pressure, and her very real need to hire a pool boy even though you do not have a pool. <>
13. Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and tranquility where your wife can renew herself in body and spirit. 3 <>
14. Don’t greet her with complaints and problems. If she wanted those, she could get her own wife.4 <>
15. Don’t complain if she’s late for dinner or if she stays out all night. Count this as minor compared to what mischief you can get into while she’s gone. <>
16. Make her comfortable. Have her lean back in a soft chair or have her lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for her. 5 <>
17. Arrange her pillow and offer to take off her shoes. You shouldn’t be wearing her shoes anyway. (See Step 3 re: being a little gay. Key word is LITTLE.) Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice, free of profanity and sexist language, even if this severely limits your working vocabulary. <>
18. Don’t ask her questions about her actions or question her judgment or integrity.
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