South Korea's health ministry, responsible for boosting the nation's low birthrate, is making the workforce go home early to make more babies.  Apparently, the campaign to poke a hole in all of the condoms isn’t working.

An environmental pressure group claims that American babies are "born polluted" with traces of chemical pollutants already in their bodies.  ***MARLAR: If you’ve ever changed a diaper, you already know babies are filled with toxic pollution.

 I’m not a supporter of capital punishment, in fact I’m dead set against it, but every time I got through security at the airport that shoe-bomber asshole really tests my beliefs. Every god-damn time I’m in line I lose about six or seven places in line trying to get my shoes off, while simultaneously getting my lap-top into its separate little container, and making sure that I checked my plastic explosives in with my luggage rather than my carry-on like last time. And the whole place smells like rancid foot-rot and hundreds cases of 17 hour delays in an un-airconditioned Dulles International. And everytime I’m loosing my spot over my hi-top shoes, looking out over all of the discount loafers and sweat blackened crocks I think to myself: why the fuck didn’t that shoe bomber try and smuggle on a couple of grenades in a bra? Not only would I not mind waiting at security, I would volunteer in an unpaid capacity to work for the TSA. Could you imagine going through security in the comfort of your own shoes while every bra in the place gets inspected for contraband? If the shoe-bomber had pulled this off instead then I would say fuck throwing him in prison, give the guy a medal, and a new assignment. Maybe he could smuggle a bomb in on a baby… on the downside a baby gets stuffed with C4, but on the upside, no more babies in the main cabin, so you’re going to have to tie a bit of ribbon too your kid so that you know which one is yours when is gets dumped out on the baggage carousel.

Marine mammal experts in the Florida Keys have opened a dolphin "chat line" of sorts, hoping to teach a deaf dolphin's unborn calf to communicate. Underwater speakers and microphones were installed to broadcast dolphin noises into the tank.  The dolphin should deliver her calf in about a month.  ***MARLAR: If this actually worked, wouldn’t we have moms playing rock music for their unborn babies and then giving birth to kids who immediately knew how to play the guitar?

Barbara Walters asked Sarah Palin what her first reaction was after she learned her baby was going to be born with Down's syndrome .  Sarah replied,  " I told my husband Todd to switch babies with Bristol after she gave birth . Nobody would suspect anything 'cause Levi Johnston is the biggest retard in Alaska ."

The green movement is claiming that "diaper-free babies" will help save the planet.  That’s right – no diapers on babies at all.  They say disposable diapers create landfill waste, while washing cloth diapers pollutes the water.  So what is their solution?  Their "retro, cutting-edge, environmentally-friendly" idea is to encourage moms to let their babies go diaperless and carry tight-lidded buckets with them. They suggest parents get in tune with the baby's bodily signals, and when it's ready to, well, “let fly,” hold the baby over the bucket, a toilet, bushes, or any convenient receptacle.  ***MARLAR: How about holding the baby over the head of anyone who suggests this?  You think sitting next to a baby on an airplane is bad now…

According to research at the Centre for Health and Society in Copenhagen, Denmark, babies who weigh six pounds or less at birth or more than 9.4 pounds are far more likely to die earlier as an adult than babies of average weight.  ***MARLAR: And what exactly are we supposed to do with this information – tell the unborn babies at six pounds that they’d better bulk up?

Calderdale Royal Hospital in England banned visitors from cooing over babies because it might insult the babies' dignity.  ***MARLAR: How much dignity do you have to start with when you're sucking your thumb wearing dirty diapers?

An MIT scientist is videotaping 400,000 hours of footage of his son from birth to age 3, to document language development in babies.  ***MARLAR: You gotta feel sorry for this guy’s family, don’t ya?  You just KNOW he’s going to pull out the home movies when this kid has a birthday.

Doctors have always assumed that both human ears were basically the same. But a UCLA study of babies may change a lot of assumptions about the way the brain works, because it found that the right ear is better at picking up speech-like sounds, while the left ear is better at processing music. ***MARLAR: So one ear is for talking and one is for music...Which ear does rap go into?