Toyota will proudly display it's totally new concept car at the 2010 New York Auto Show this coming April . Toyota's President Akio Toyoda told reporters today what his future plans will be for his troubled company .  " We have abandoned the idea of making safe and reliable cars here at Toyota . Instead we will mass produce cheap, disposable, no frills automobiles such as the Kamikaze Convertible . The car doesn't steer well at all and the brakes can barely stop the vehicle . But it's fast as hell and gives great fuel economy . The base model will sell for under $2,000 . Optional equipment will include a first aid kit and a fire extinguisher . Future models with have an ejector seat option .

Today the Toyota's most popular car the Corolla, has been recalled because of power steering problems . Angry Toyota owners and stockholders have been demanding answers from Japan's largest car maker . Today the company's president Akio Toyoda, addressed journalists in a third news conference in two weeks . " Please be patient we are working on a remedy for all of the problems with our defective Toyotas . Whatever automobiles we manufactured that can not be repaired, we will give the owners back their money ."   Asked what he planned to do about all the returned cars that were unrepairable, Akio Toyoda replied " Don't worry we won't be stuck with those Lemons for long . I made a deal with the Arabs to sell them those Shitty Camrys and Corollas as Car-Bombs . "

Today, a national chain of funeral parlors sent its portfolio to Fox News' advertising execs. This mega-monster corporate corpse believes in the Henry Ford-production-line - they have adopted a system of a solemn and serious and yet very fast, expeditious and effective wake ceremony preceding the burial of folks.

"This company advertises by blimps, planes, bulldozers, fork lifts, helicopters, trains, automobiles and even by way of submarie with funny little jokes and such written all over them. And they employ thousands of  "drivers." See, they actually pay people to drive around in the cars that have these signs slapped all over them.

The company's motto is "Putting the 'Fun' back in 'Funerals.'" It's name: Welcome to the World of the Quickest Funeral Around!!!"

"Business has been kind of dead lately, but we plan to sell another advertisement or two during the next few years," a Fox News Sales Exec related to the Daily Comedy team of investigative comedians.

"Today, we had a call from some inventor who just invented a glow-in-the dark preying mantis-looking transformer that actually uses a heat-seeking device attached," the sales exec added. "That thing can find small insects. It makes some darned little mouth movement that similates the eating of these bugs. It's a cute little toy and though it accidentally bit off a child's arm, we're tinkering around with the software codes inside its skull to make it a bit more user friendly."

"We're also expecting a call any day now from some inventor out of Cheyenne, Wash., who has just invented a horse that drinks gasoline," this source added. "No water, no-no-no; just gasoline - how inventive, huh?"

"And then there's the glow-in-the-dark Bill O'Reilly Dog that howls like a werewolf, tries to tear your fingers off and then - you'll never guess what happens next - that cute little canine with Bill's handsome face actually catches itself on fire and plays the Star Spangled Banner during this portion of its act. . .And then there's -...."

Prince Charles is swapping gas-guzzling private planes and helicopters for commercial flights, train journeys and biodiesel cars. The prince is also having his Jaguar and Land Rover vehicles converted to run on 100 percent biodiesel.

When asked if he had similar plans, President George Bush said, "Boy, it sure is bad in Iraq, isn't it?"

I can’t even figure out why people remotely like travel!

It’s dumbfounding. Why would people love to travel? You have to buy luggage which doesn’t fit in your apartment. Then you have to forget something simple, yet vital, like your toothbrush—you end up buying a new one for triple the money in the foreign city. Not to mention you have to learn the word toothbrush in the destination city. It took me 20 minutes to explain what I was looking for in Montreal, and 30 minutes in Alabama.

Then it’s planes, trains, and automobiles. I don’t ever remember going on a long trip in ANY of these and thinking, “This is fun!” Especially when I was getting strip-searched by Israeli customs. Luckily, I got to sit next to a fat, orthodox man for 11 hours on that trip!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeee, travel! By the way, the hack jokes about crying babies are all true. I DARE you to sit next to one crying baby for one hour and not think once about murder, flushing it down the plane's hydraulic toilet, and then ultimately suicide.

The historic sites? I live in NYC. If you told me to go to the Statue of Liberty, I’d laugh at you—but I go to Paris and you want me to climb the Eiffel tower? Are you shitting me? Visit a stupid landmark and be surrounded by people speaking a language other than English? I’d sooner go to Harlem and stare at Malcolm X Blvd. There I’ll hear eight languages and they all basically translate to, “What the hell is that cracker doing here?”

By the way, right now, everyone hates us Americans and/or is trying to kill us! Where do you want to go—Asia? Two-day plane ride, bird flu, and that Korean midget is trying to bomb our West Coast. How about Africa? Famine, starvation, and you get 43 shots in your ass to protect you from 8,000 diseases and the tsetse fly. France? We were so mad at them we changed the name of French Fries! The Middle East? Maybe a nice tour of Iraq? I hear they have some new ruins. Maybe I could bring home some shrapnel for Grandma. Amsterdam? When I take up drugs. Australia? Three days on a plane to see a couple of kangaroos and the toilet water go down in a different direction? Nope. Florida? Hurricane season. New Orleans? Gone. San Francisco? One earthquake away from bye-bye. Shall I go on?

Here’s the worst news: Family vacation this Saturday. On a cruise. To Bermuda. Can you say, Bermuda Triangle? When I disappear, remember who didn’t want to go.