Be sure and get in the true spirit of Columbus Day by killing some Native Americans and stealing their land. And if you can't find any Native Americans left, you can always make do and knock over a Kwiki-Mart.

Former Vice President Dick Cheney is undergoing surgery today to deal with a case of spinal stenosis.

"And by spinal stenosis," said Anthony Caputy, the doctor performing the surgery, "We mean the experimental serum we invented to keep his feet from morphing back into hooves is wearing off."

The 2011 Prius will be renamed the Priapus to give it a more macho image. It will be touted as "a small car with a big car feel."

With regards to his affair with Argentine divorcee Maria Belen Chapur, Governor Mark Sanford's spiritual advisor Warren "Cubby" Culbertson described Sanford as being "gripped by darkness."

Naturally, Chapur herself blushed to learn that her daily Kegel exercises were a topic of discussion in Sanford's spiritual group.

John McCain joined Barack Obama in calling for a world free of nuclear weapons. It wasn't the first time McCain called for the elimination of weapons of war.  In 1250, McCain called for a world free of catapults. 

President Obama today sent 'The Love Boat' into the danger zone and all the pirates boarded the ship within an hour.  Lauren Tewes is 'taking on' all the pirates, while the U.S. Navy plans a simple wrapup. Problem solved!

NEW YORK-Resident and amateur actor, John Loftin, solidified his status as a Hollywood Star after attaining his first officially registered credit on iMDB.  

Loftin has been busy racking up credits in short films, student films, internet series, TV commercials, one feature film appearance, and as an extra on One Tree Hill for the past year.  Shockingly, not one of these inspired performances catapulted Loftin to stardom.

Loftin is excited the film's trailer on his iMDB profile features his one spoken line from the film.  No one has yet to add photos of Loftin from the red carpet film release.

Today Phelps admitted his Olympic achievement was not quite what he’d hoped it would be.  He said the only reason he swam so fast was the Chinese Press assured him he had a chance to win “Oct” (eight) - “Pool” (swimming) – “Co” (team) – “Gold” (medals)… Oct-Pool-Co-Gold… Accapulco Gold… you can see the confusion…

I went to a seminar on reality TV and we had to pitch reality TV shows. Here were some of mine.

BIGGEST IDIOT-Because reality TV feeds off of the idiot population NBC has gone to find the biggest idiots ever. These idiots will not be dared or anything but asked to be themselves. And every week America will vote an idiot off. The biggest idiot gets a winning lottery ticket so that way he can cash in on his white trash retirement plan.

LAST DRUG ADDICT STANDING-We all have seen Last Comic Standing where some of the worst stereotypes in standup take the stage. Well now its gonna get bigger and funnier except these people arent trying to be sterotypes, they are actually drug addicts. And as an alternative to their Theraputic Community or prison term they are participating on this show. Every week it is a contest to see how far they will go to get their drug of choice. And there are only so many drugs hidden in the house. America doesnt have to vote off these contestants. Instead they will go back to prison for killing another contestant, get complications from their Hep C or HIV, or even get arrested for another charge.And the last dude standing gets a free night with Robert Downey Jr and a life time supply of coke and heroin curtoisy the Columbian drug cartel

KICKING IT WITH THE KAROLYI'S-They gave us Nadia, Mary Lou, and Zmeskal. That's right, Bela and Marta Karolyi have been accused of being the most abusive coaches in the sport of gymnastics. However, they say they are misunderstood. Go into the gym every week with the Karolyi's as they berate the future champions of America. Fall in love with these little divas as they fall, get yelled at, and develop eating disorders and dependency on painkillers. See them cry as they near retirement at the age of eighteen. See the Karolyi's cure their broken limbs by making them work harder. It is a must see and an instant hit. Cause there is nothing like midgets dressed like hookers battling it out for the gold.