...it used to bother me every time i had to take my shoes off at airports, but now i'm used to it.  At the same time i'm really grateful that Richard Reid wasn't the underwear bomber.  

Is it a coincidence that both people at airports and special Ed. kids ride the short bus? 

Boston’s Logan International Airport officials say Choochy, a poodle, escaped from her kennel, as she was being unloaded after a flight from Detroit and scampered across runways and taxiways. An airport spokesperson says the poodle evaded airport personnel for more than 17 hours and delayed at least eight flights.

Upon hearing this the federal government announced a new training program to find and capture fugitives. The CIA will buy 100 poodles and release them in various airports around the US. The agents will then have ten years to find the dogs.

...actress lisa rinna has admitted to being addicted to plastic surgery...she has had so many procedures that she sets off the Lego detector at airports. 

Dear Star Savior,

Hi. It’s rapper Kanye West. I was arrested at Los Angeles International Airport after struggling with a photographer and breaking his camera and then lunging at a videographer. There won't be felony charges against me and my manager, but I still may be charged with a misdemeanor. What advice do you have for me?


Dear Kanye,

Even though you won't face felony charges, your arrest was a sign: It’s time for you to stop attacking random photographers in airports. You should start attacking them away from airports, in places where you can really make a connection.

Photographer attacks aren’t meant to be done when you're rushing out of town. At an airport, you can’t really commit to an attack. You should be able to take your time and give it your full attention. Tell me this about the photographer you attacked: What color were his eyes? I’ll bet you didn't even notice.

I think it’s time for you to start looking for one special photographer to settle down with and attack. Do you want to still be lunging at strange photographers in airports when you’re 50? Do you want to spend your golden years worried about where a stranger’s camera has been?

If you want to find The One, you have to put yourself out there and change your approach. And don't limit yourself to attacking celebrity photographers. It's time to start attacking the photographers you never noticed before. The next time you're at Sears or Wal-Mart, lunge at the person working the camera. Just lunge at them. Don't go all the way with an attack yet. You'll ruin things if you move too fast.

You'll find that when you attack a photographer away from an airport, it really means something. You won't have to attack with one hand while you hold baggage with the other. You can use metal objects to spice up your hand-to-hand attacks. And you won't have to interrupt your attacks to take off your shoes for security. You'll thank me after your first kick.

The Star Savior

Airports have been installing an impressive new device that blows on passengers and then 'sniffs' the air to test for 40 different kinds of explosives. It causes one to ponder the fact that, although the Muslim world hasn’t produced, invented or innovated anything (that doesn’t cause death) in centuries, thanks to its madness our technology is through the roof! 

There is also a machine called the Rapiscan Secure 1000, which uses low-energy X-rays to search a person through clothing (note the apt prefix).

Which is also pretty ironic, considering that modesty is really big in the Middle East.