Sensing a career opportunity, Ellen DeGeneres starts hitting the tanning bed and the Waffle House.

An insurance company cut a Canadian woman's  health benefits for depression, claiming she was healthy after seeing Facebook pictures of her smiling in a bikini at the beach.  The insurance company also claimed  the woman listed on her MySpace page that  her favorite song is "Don't Worry, Be Happy." 

Barack Obama was so busy during his Asian trip that he forgot to buy souvenirs for his daughters.  Fortunately, he found a couple "made in China" T-shirts at a DC Wal-mart.  

 I stopped reading X-Men when the stories started getting too far-fetched. But then I realized I'm a grown man worried about the plausibility of a comic book.

A dozen Klansmen protested a football game at the University Of Mississippi for not playing "Dixie" at the game. There were also plans to protest the black athletes, but the KKK had money riding on the over.

The former vice president blames White House "waffling" on Afghanistan for the Leggo shortage.

The good news is that only one person was killed. The bad news is it wasn't Miley Cyrus.

Thanksgiving is less than a week away.  Like the rest of us,  celebrities are getting ready for the big holiday.  Today Pamela Anderson took her turkey in to have its breasts enhanced.  

The world is ending in 2012, of course it is...Oprahs ending her talk show in 2011. 

   You probably should not own a gun if:

   You consider road rage to be a viable philosophy.

   Your wife's longtime lover is becoming obnoxious about it.

   You'd enjoy playing "Shoot-the-tail-off-the-donkey" with neighborhood kids.

   You've physically attacked a Jehovah's Witness, Mormon or girl scout for ringing your doorbell.

   You are convinced the anti-Christ keeps breaking into your car.

   Finally--and most concerning--a raspy voice in your head keeps telling you to seek immediate employment at the nearest post office.