This Sunday, former football player turned analyst, Phil Simms officially called Detroit a disaster.

He didn't specify whether he meant the Lion's or the city itself. 

...president-elect barack obama has announced that he will honor george bush's accomplishments by putting his face on the $10 food stamp. 

Tax increase for people who make more than 250k.

Tax break for people who make less than 250k.

Full audit for Joe The Plumber.

Barack Obama will have a full plate when he takes office.  Not only does he have to fix the economy, he must also deal with the country's two major areas of conflict:  Iraq and the View.  

China’s government banned the sale of the long awaited new Guns N Roses  “Chinese Democracy” because it violated rules established by China's Ministry of Culture prohibiting the word "democracy" from use in the title of any work within mainland China. In a compromise move to appease Chinese censors, GNR frontman Axl Rose executed 4 Tibetan Monks and renamed the album “Chinese Brutally Oppressive, Totalitarian Regime” .

I just can't shake the feeling the only way I can make it now is in sports or entertainment. 

Apparently, the medication is called "sunlight".

A buddhist walks up to a hot dog stand and says, "make me one with everything". 

Happy people reported watching an average of 19 hours of TV per week, unhappy people reported 25 hours a week, and manic depressants reported watching 42 hours per week of NBC programming.

Today Bums and Beggars came out of the woodwork(and the woods) to rewrite their cardboard signs to exhibit the American spirit and take advantage of new opportunities. Their new signs read:

'I'm a candidate for change, can you spare any?'

They just nod as they walk up to you and mouth the all familiar "Yes We Can"