Kevin Federline is convinced that his two sons will grow up to be sports stars. With the parents they have, they'll be lucky to grow up at all.

Heidi Montag says that husband Spencer Pratt is so competitive, he'd throw her off a cliff just to win something.

Spencer responded, saying, "I am that competitive -- I've been practicing throwing her off a cliff by heaving bags of Silicone and Saline." 

Larry King said he's got a great show in store for his viewers tonight . Old time actor Mickey Rooney and veteran CBS News commentator Andy Rooney .  Mickey discusses his 88 years in show business, his 8 marriages, and the thousand's of young Hollywood starlets he made love to .  Andy promises not to be boring either as he shows off his vast collection of thumb tacks, paper clips,  jars of old buttons, rusty keys, and Indian Head pennies .  ...............................................................................................(kascha-whitney)

A new taser stun gun has been invented that can stun 3 people at once. It was developed to stop the Jonas Brothers.

The new Judd Apatow film Funny People, starring Adam Sandler and Seth Rogen, opens on Friday. Rumor has it the film will reveal the key to a successful comedy career, Judaism.

President Obama, V.P. Joe Biden, Prof. Henry Gates, and Sgt. James Crowley all met at the White House Rose Garden yesterday .  Obama said,  " I'm so glad we were all able to gather here today . Mrs Cindy McCain, the Anheuser-Busch heiress  was happy to donate a few kegs of  Budweiser for this important occassion . "   A very frustrated Prof Gates moaned , " I don't wanna be drinkin' that old Cracker Lady's beer . Gimme a Colt .45 instead ! "   Joe Biden agreed, " Yeah, I think I'll have a Scotch & Soda instead of the beer . "   Sgt Crowley joined in , " The Bud's fine but i rather they drop a shot of whiskey in mine and make it a Boilermaker . "    Not willing to be out done by his manly guests, Barack told the White House waitress   " Oh Missy , can i please have a double Pink Frozen Daiquiri ? " ........  Five minutes later the gang of 4 were heard whooping it up and telling Michael Jackson Jokes  .................................................................................(K&W)    

Former US Sen. Larry Craig has opened a consulting firm. Offices will be opened in most US airport bathrooms.

Chia, the makers of the famous Chia pets, are now selling the Obama Chia.  Just spread the seeds on his head, water them, and watch him grow.  The Obama Chia symbolizes hope, change, and a total waste of $12.95. 

President Barack Obama, Cambridge Police Department Sgt. James Crowley and Harvard Professor Henry Louis Gates Jr. walk into the White House bar. The bartender asks them what they'll have. Obama says, "I'll have a dialogue about race in America," Sgt. Crowley says, "I'll have an Irish coffee" and Professor Gates says, "I'll have a hissy fit."

A British judge acquitted Amy Winehouse on Friday of assaulting a fan who asked to take her picture -- saying he could not be sure Winehouse's punching the woman was deliberate.

The judge said the same of Winehouse's hair, makeup and singing career.

 ...Mom always warned me never to speak with strangers...I'm hoping to let up on this rule as it would be nice to start meeting people..

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