Mr. Spears announced he will write an autobiography so people will have a better understanding of who he is. Federline will write the book as part of a Learning Annex class he's taking called, "Autobiography Writing For Talentless Douchebags With Nothing To Say."

Rumsfeld, Cheney frantically search for receipt.

I was listening to the radio and a single from Paris Hilton's CD came on. Now my ears itch, and it burns when I hear.

KFC announced yesterday it's booting the unhealthy stuff from most of its menu and using trans fat free chicken.

Perhaps one day they can stop freaking out their main customer demographic by booting that southern plantation owner mascot off the bucket.

Angelina to stop by later to wreck it.

"The best things in life aren't free...they're messy."

My father told me that the day I left for college, and I can tell you right now. Truer words were never spoken.

Think about the finest moments of your life for a second. Are they there? Do you have them in your head? Alright, now ask yourself one question:

When it was over...were you sticky?

That's what I thought.

The other night my girlfriend and I are watching Seinfeld, and the episode happens to be The Gymnast. Then comes that one line where the gymnast tells Jerry of what she'd heard about comedians and their supposed...legendary sexual prowess. Ultimately she tells Jerry: "You may tell jokes, Mr. Seinfeld, but you are no comedian."

I turn to my girlfriend: "So, uh...am I a comedian?"

Her response: "Honey, if you never told another joke in your life, you'd still be the greatest comedian I've ever known."

Ladies, I hope you were taking notes. Because that is how you get your man to take out the trash.

A new calendar put out by the Clare Booth Luce Policy Institute features monthly pinups of "great conservative women" such as Ann Coulter and Laura Ingraham.

The subtitle of the calendar is, "Where erections go to die."

Scientists at Monsanto corporation are working to breed a pumpkin with the perfect stem for making a jack-o'-lantern lid.

After that, they hope to move on to the next step- breeding a second stem with a hand, that can grab a knife, carve out it's own face, plop a candle in it's head, and drag itself to your porch.

The Jets placed Curtis Martin on the reserve, physically-unable-to perform list with a bone-on-bone condition in his right knee, essentially ending his career.

A bone-on-bone condition is also responsible for ending the careers of N.J. Gov. Jim McGreevy and Senator Mark Foley.

Before:

After: