Had to get the dog neutered. (Remove his little doggie balls.) The vet said it's important to do this because it prevents things like testicular cancer.

Really? No balls = no testicular disease? What a revelation! I proposed we remove his paws to fend off athlete’s foot, or take out his lungs to stop problems caused by secondhand smoke.

The vet didn’t get the joke. The balls came off.

The vet then asked me if I wanted to get "nuticles"—fake doggie ball implants—so my pup wouldn't miss his. I was really creeped out by this idea. So I asked him, "Doc, tell me, do the fake balls feel like real ones?"

"What do you mean?" he said.

"You know ... like when they're resting on your chin ... do they feel real?"

We left quickly.

Went on a first date with a girl. It was going great. Had dinner, listened to some jazz. Walked around the Village [Greenwich Village, in NYC] a bit.

We came across one of those storefront psychic places. The ones with the word "Psychic" in neon lights. Very original ad campaign. My date wanted to try. I figured why not.

We went in, sat down, and "Zelda" or "Hazlette" or whatever her name is started to read my date's palm. "Oooh, you're going to have a long life ... you will be very rich ... and the man of your dreams is already in your life—and his name begins with the letter "D."

Now, I was pissed. My name is Ray with an "R." And the rest of the night my date kept wondering, out loud, who this "dream man" might be. "Maybe it's David from the gym, or Derek from next door. Maybe Daniel from the travel agency?"

I got so fed up I told her, "Maybe it's Dick—MINE."

Date was over.

And I walk by psychics a bit quicker now.

The biggest problem with Internet dating is the bullshit that comes with people's photos. People like to make themselves seem trimmer than they are. Most pictures I've seen have women positioned next to something that will offset their size: a piano, a tall building. Standing in the bottom of the Grand Canyon.

And when they show up on the date you are confused.

"Susan?"

"Don't you recognize me?"

"Well, you look a little different not standing next to the Lincoln Memorial. Move over here, next to this newsstand... ah yes, it IS you. Nice to meet you."

The punch lines are too long.