Danny Devito's drunken behavior during his appearance on ABC's "The View" caused a steady spike in Nielsen ratings until Devito began reminiscing about how much sex he and his wife, Rhea Perlman, had in the Lincoln bedroom of the White House, at which point viewers turned to "Martha," preferring boredom to nausea.

Bulimics are thanking Britney Spears for giving them a legitimate reason to vomit.

Title: "Waiting in Line to Buy PlayStation."

POPE BENEDICT XVI: And now, our opening prayer. Please recite along, if you know it: "Istanbul was Constantinople. Now it's Istanbul, not Constantinople. Been a long time gone - " Oh, ha-HA, very funny you guys...alright, which one of you did this?

Education Secretary Margaret Spellings says she studied hard to prepare for her appearance on Celebrity Jeopardy! She came in second stating her excuses for not winning, “I didn't realize how much skill went into hitting the buzzer at just the right moment. I often hit it too early and didn't get picked to tackle a catagory."

"And the dog ate my homework."

The latest advance in bomb-sniffing technology relies on simple devices - honeybees.

"Honeybees are as good as dogs," entomologist Timothy Haartmann of Los Alamos (N.M.) National Laboratory says. "The trick, it turns out, is training the little critters to detect bomb scents...

and getting them to fetch a pair of slippers.

Bush will continue to say, "nucular."

LONDON (December 1) - Italian security expert Mario Scaramella who met with a former KGB agent Litvinenko the day the ex-spy fell fatally ill with radiation poisoning, has also tested positive for for a significant amount of polonium-210, British media reported Friday.

"I'm sick, but I started vomiting when I saw that picture of Britney Spears' crotch."

- Mario Scaramella

A federal judge ruled Tuesday that the U.S. government discriminates against blind people by printing paper money that cannot be distinguished by feel. 

He also ruled that paper money discriminates against stupid people by requiring them to count and against poor people by not magically appearing in their pockets.

Senator Barack Obama is reportedly exploring an ’08 presidential bid. His qualifications include two years in the Senate and the fact that he’s “Colin Powell-black,” not “Al Sharpton-black.”

Gwyneth Paltrow said, "The British are much more intelligent and civilized than the Americans." She added, "However, 'civilized' don't pay the bills like 'Shallow Hal.'"