Why do we always have the wrong people holding office when they are truly needed?

Elaine Davidson has had 6,005 pricks in her body. Edging out Paris Hilton by 7.

Especially if it's fingerpainting.

This is one instance where it would actually be exciting to watch paint dry.

When asked by Congress what happened to the money, GM responded, “Well you know how it is?... a sale at Kohls here, dinner at Olive Garden there, before you know it – BAM – we’re lookin’ at our statement goin’ ‘Holy Moly! We shouldn’t have bought that Coach purse!’”.

Doctors have advised Northeastern tight end Brian Mandeville to retire. His heart ailment could result in instantaneous death, or even worse, he could get drafted by the Lions.

Federal Reserve Chairman Ben Bernanke today told Congress the recession might end this year.  He also predicted that monkeys might fly out of his butt.

AP News reports that George W. Bush will begin an international speaking tour, mid March.  Sponsors for the tour include Dr. Scholls, Florsheim and Payless Shoes.

 You know the economy is bad when the Republicans cannot afford a response to President Obama's speech.  Instead they outsourced their reply to India and Bobby Jindal.

 This is how statutory started

A Russian 28 year old man dies from overdose of Viagra after betting he could satisfy two women for over 12 hours.  The funeral will be an open casket, until funeral directors figure out on how to close it.

If states misuse stimulus money, the Obama administration may pull the money or embarrass the states, Vice President Joe Biden said today. Just yesterday, Biden gave North Carolina a Wet Willy.