On Sunday, Pope Benedict XVI will visit Auschwitz, where he will pray for the dead and see if his initials are still carved in a picnic table.

A British newspaper did a study that showed that British youths had sex at an earlier age than the kids in America. In America the average age was 16, in England it was 15, and as young as 12 in some cases.

In other news Michael Jackson, R. Kelly and Gary Glitter have announced that they've just purchased a huge London flat near Piccadilly Circus.

Women get a diamond ring when they get engaged. What do we get? A lousy blowjob. We spend $5,000 on a ring and that's it? Do you know how many blowjobs you can get for five grand? May I add that none would be lousy.

Well, if a woman gets an engagement ring, why don't we get something in return? (Women always say,"You get me!" Well I've had you!) I need something else, like maybe an engagement flatscreen, plasma T.V. We can both enjoy the plasma T.V. We both can't enjoy your diamond ring. And when we have kids we can enjoy it as a family.

Now, that's an engagement present that makes sense. And when the kids are off to school and you're off to work, I can continue to enjoy my engagement present and watch porn in HDTV!

I heard on E! last night that Britney Spears is giving up Kaballah. She was going to be thrown out soon anyway. Bad Jew etiquette. When asking for a second helping of kugel, she reportedly asked fellow Seder participants to "hit me baby, one more time."

What are you, fucking stupid?  Why would the creator of the universe give a shit what kind of hat you wear or count how many times you rub some beads or kneel and face a certain direction?  Does your God have OCD?

You: Oh great and powerful God, what do you ask of me?

God: I need you to wash your feet three times a day, then kneel and face due north for ten full minutes while wearing a snorkel.  You do the hokey pokey and you turn yourself around. That's pretty much what it's all about.

You: Wow, that's sounds crazy as dwarf shit, but I'll do it because I'm a weak-willed imbecile who's so terrified of what happens after death that I'll believe anything in a boring book written before pants were invented! I'll also scar my children with this nonsense, and do my best to push it on other people! 

In case you are not already aware, Pat Robertson is spearheading the OPERATION SUPREME COURT FREEDOM! (I added the exclamation point, and imagine an echo when you say it). On his website, www.cbn.com/special/supremecourt/, he urges us to pray for divine intervention into the current liberally tilted Supreme Court. He suggests many prayer points. One of which is, "That additional vacancies occur within the Supreme Court." Since retirement for one of the liberal judges is not likely in the near future, and the conservatives are in danger of losing control of the House and/or the Senate later this year, I can only assume that Pat wants us to pray for the death of one or more of the court's liberal coalition of Justices: John Paul Stevens, David Souter, Ruth Bader Ginsburg, and Stephen Breyer.

As the situation is urgent, a regular fatal illness may take too long and would not be effective. Therefore, I'd like to help by offering a prayer to our Lord Jesus, to let him know how urgent the situation is down here on Earth.

"Dear Lord, we pray that you will help the good Christians of this good Christian nation to take back control of our Highest Court, by smiting (killing) one or more of these heathen judges. Specifically Lord, I pray that John Paul Stevens be mangled beyond recognition in a terrible head-on automobile collision, and that the other car be filled with homosexuals and abortion doctors. Also Lord, could you please infect Ruth Bader Ginsburg with a virulent form of the Ebola virus, or perhaps the flesh eating bacteria, and that her life be taken swiftly in the grotesque manner befitting a liberal. Alternately, I pray that David Souter be struck in the skull by an out of control wrecking ball, or possibly trampled by an escaped zoo elephant. Additionally Lord, if you find it in your heart, please let Stephen Breyer be consumed in a housefire, as he will for all eternity in the fiery bowels of HELL (the caps mean to add extra gravity). We are grateful for your prompt assistance in this matter, Lord. Amen."

Remember, you are a soldier of God. Now go out there and kick some secular ass! (Imagine me smacking you on the rear)

Coming out of the closet is very difficult for a man. My gay Uncle Francis stayed in the closet for years 'cause my German grandparents would've killed him. You can read all about it in his book, "The Diary of Aunt Frank."

I don't know if you saw Oprah a few days ago, but the winners of the "Young People Write an Essay About the Holocaust Contest" were announced.  Fifty young people from around the country were selected to appear on Oprah's show and read portions of their essays, then watch Oprah cry with a real-life Holocaust survivor.  Why do I think the contest was rigged?  It's because my essay was not chosen, even though I am a young person and, like Oprah, I totally believe in angels.

Oprah is Better Than Hitler

An Essay by Kurt Metzger and Angels    

On Thursday, President Bush expressed regret for daring Iraqi insurgents to "bring it on." He also apologized for saying, "I do solemnly swear that I will faithfully execute the office of President of the United States."

A new study says that 1 of every 136 Americans is behind bars. The same study says that 135 of 136 Americans are relieved.