Never trust a kid named Falcon. I would watch him like a hawk. 

The NBA is launching a marketing campaign to attract more Latino viewers. Latinos might watch the WNBA, since they often do jobs that most Americans won't.

Ticket prices.

Front Row Seats Prices= Small Suitcase Nuclear Bomb

Regular Seating Prices= Man-Portable Surface-To-Air Missile Systems

Balcony Seating Prices= Laser Weapon Systems

Seats Sitting On The Floor= Any of the following Bullets, Machine Guns (Russian or American), Hand Grenades, Firecrackers will not be accepted.

No Woman Allowed. Thankyou for purchasing your tickets throughTerrorist Master. Questions call us at 1-800-KILL-YOU

In Springfield, Massachusetts, a baby shower erupted into a brawl when a man got into a fight with another man who's dating his ex-girlfriend, and the first man was shot.  ***MARLAR: And now you know why men are never invited to baby showers.

The European Space Agency's chief scientist has suggested that we build a "Noah's Ark" on the moon, so if the Earth is destroyed by an asteroid or nuclear holocaust, every species of plant and animal will survive.  ***MARLAR: If we’re going to build a Noah’s Ark complex to save every species of plant an animal in case of global emergency, can we at least agree this time around to leave out fleas, mosquitoes, cockroaches and chiggers?  

 Vatican makes it easier for Anglicans to convert....Translation....

WE NEED MORE DONATIONS!!!!!!

   My father's youngest brother was a very strange guy whose single intellectual contribution to the world is:

   "A man is gay if, when he masturbates, his hand has a better time than his penis."

   Guess you could call it "Dick's Law." 

Alabama leaped over Florida in the Top 25 AP Poll. Urban Meyer said he hasn't been treated this unfairly since his mom named him.
 

   If, after you die, you find yourself strumming a harp in heaven, you probably had a clear conscience.

   If, however, the Devil is blowtorching your ass, you, no doubt, had a convenient memory. 

   When national leaders die, they often lie-in-state.

   Why not?  All have lied before death--in and out of state. 

Major League Baseball has announced that for the World Series, there will be no bottles, cameras, or large backpacks permitted in either stadium.  And no pets, except for the umpires' seeing-eye dogs.