A New York woman has been convicted of embezzling $2.3 million to feed her $6,000 a day lottery addiction.

As punishment she’ll be forced to stand in line for three years behind the obese and elderly as they slowly unfold crinkled dollar bills and pick lotto numbers.

Paris Hilton will be selling her bed in an online auction at StyleSearch.com.

In a related story, George Michael will be auctioning off the bushes where he was caught with van driver Norman Kirtland.

--As punishment for their depravity, they have to hold up American flag backdrop for hours.

MTV is trying to shake up the VMAs. Producers are encouraging audience members to jump onstage and create a "water cooler moment." Of course, if MTV really wanted to shake things up, they could play a music video.

I don't want to brag, but I have a big woman fan base.

We're here, we have 96 mothers, get used to it!

FOUNTAIN VALLEY, Calif. - Workers at Angiano's gourmet chocolate company, Bodega Chocolates, discovered under a vat, a 2-inch-tall column of chocolate drippings that they believe bears a striking resemblance to the Virgin Mary.

This brings up the age old question: The Virgin Mary: dead religious figure, master illusionist or yummy confection?

This Virgin Mary loves surprise appearances! She’ll show up anywhere—a pizza pie, a peanut butter and jelly sandwich, a rock formation, moldy cheese, and don’t ever let her get near a scented candle. Your candle starts dripping and heeeerre’s Mary! I’m surprised she hasn’t hosted "The Tonight Show" by now.

Is the human race so desperate for a religious sign that we should look for it in dessert? Since the discovery on Monday, Angiano's employees have spent much of their time hovering over the tiny figure, praying and placing rose petals and candles around it. Um... shouldn’t they be putting her in the fridge? Hell hath no fury like a religious woman melted.

I’d love to be hanging around management’s office as they try and figure out how to get their employees to stop worshiping a Raisinette and get back to work. I bet you that there’s one guy so zealous he’s whispering to himself, "I’m gonna eat her! I’m gonna eat the Virgin Mary! Then God will literally be inside me."

On a related note, I had chicken wings last night and a strawberry shake. I’m pretty sure the devil is inside me! TVM, where are you? I need you to appear in my colon! I’d better go find a Pepto Bismol tablet shaped as the baby Jesus on Ebay to help me through this time of religious crisis. Oh God, my stomach hurts.

I have to go now, in an explosively figurative way. Pray for me everyone.

Next week, aliens from other planets: pure science fiction or comedy club owners?

...as part of their new "Healthy Choices" menu.

Former undisputed heavyweight champ Evander "The Real Deal" Holyfield came out of retirement this past weekend at age 43, but due to being pummeled many thousands of times in the head, the former champ mistakingly staged his comeback as a male figure skater.

"None of us had the heart to tell him that he was never a figure skater, much less the "champ" that he was boasting he was in warm-ups," said a fellow competitor." Also, he's a very big man, and we're small and gay."

Holyfield placed dead last in the competition, but he did win best costume in an online poll.