Barbara Walters has approached acclaimed psychics Judi Hoffman, Char Margolis, Sylvia Browne and The Amazing Kreskin seeking assistance in finding a replacement co-host for the recently fired Star Jones Reynolds.

After carefully reading the stars and probing the future, they all concluded that the new co-host will definitely be of a darker hue.

Carmen Electra and Dave Navarro have announced that they are seperating, citing irreconcilable differences.

The irreconcilable difference?  After nearly three years of marriage it became apparant that she looked like Carmen Electra, and he looked like Dave Navarro.

The pro-life group "Operation Save America" is trying to close Mississippi's only abortion clinic. The group wants abortion limited to when the mother's life is in danger or if she's black.

Experts say late-summer player fatigue may be a problem due to baseball's decision this season to ban amphetamines. Great. Something to make baseball slower.

Baseball's about a cup of coffee from golf—let's bring back the greenies!

Right-wing conservative Patrick Buchanan has called Israel's current policy, "Un-American and un-Christian."

"Uh, yeah..." replied Israel.

PHOENIX - US Airways announced plans to sell advertisements on its air-sickness bags.  They are looking towards the entertainment industry to provide the first ads. 

The initial marketing plan is to promote the third season of MTV’s Laguna Beach, which has been proven to induce vomiting 60% of the time.

Brad Pitt told the BBC that, "Becoming a parent is the best thing I ever did." He then whispered, "except for 'Fight Club'. Don't tell Angie I said that."

SEARCY, Ark. - Steven Turnage, a man who dresses up in a chicken suit to promote fast food, has complained of heat and abuse from customers.

"It's challenging," Turnage said. "You've got to be very dedicated and have a high tolerance for heat. You almost have to have a calling from the Lord to do this type of work."

To which Jesus responded, "Leave me out of this, Steven Turnage".

(Comic's note: That is not a made up quote, the jerkoff actually said that)

(Addendum to comic's note: "jerkoff" = guy in chicken suit, not Jesus)

A microphone Bush was unaware of caught him saying the "s"-word to Tony Blair.

Everyone was surprised that he pronounced "Syria" correctly.

Before being evacuated by helicopter from Beirut, Americans are being asked to sign promissory notes to repay the U.S. government for their journey. Those who can't afford to pay are being offered a ride out of town in an '86 Taurus with no air conditioning.