President Obama yesterday ordered an end to torture techniques like waterboarding, sleep deprivation, and playing Jessica Simpson CDs.

Alyssa Milano has been granted a restraining order against a man who keeps trying to contact her and showing up at her home unannounced.  I just want her to be happy!  Didn't she get the flowers I sent?  WHY DID SHE BLOCK ME ON MYSPACE!?

Taliban militants threatened suicide attacks on Pakistani bus drivers who play American music on their buses saying that such entertainment was spreading "vulgarity and obscenity,"  Clay Aiken CDs have fallen off sharply.

The F.A.A. has reported today that U.S. Airways Flight 1549 actually hit a flock of seagulls and not geese as first suspected. They found evidence of a synthesizer in one of the engines.

Moments later the Obama girls were left wondering what keg stands, dirty sanchez's, and 'morning after pills' are. 

President Barack Obama has been so successful invoking the spirit of Abraham Lincoln that today South Carolina seceeded from the Union.

The Arizona Cardinals have won their first NFC Championship since 1947. Ironically enough, that was Kurt Warners rookie year.

The star, who is worth an estimated $2.5 Billion now has a street value of $8.6 Billion.