...one Minnesota Symphony violinist is dead, another in critical condition, and a 3rd under arrest after a shooting incident that apparently stemmed from a love triangle gone bad.  Police are calling it a case of fiddle attraction. 

The F.D.I.C., which insures bank accounts, plans to borrow money from banks.  In related banking news, the National Blood Bank has just named Dracula as their new director.

31-year-old Tiffany Shepherd, the Florida biology teacher who made headlines in April after bikini-clad pictures of her on a fishing charter got her fired from Port St. Lucie High School has landed a new career—in pornography!

Apparently, those who can’t do—teach. And those who can’t teach—do porn!

A Florida woman was sentenced on Monday to a year and a day in prison for keeping her dead mother's body in a bedroom for at least six years while collecting more than $230,000 in pension benefits.  At sentencing the judge asked the woman if she had any sense of right and wrong, any sense of decency, and any sense of smell. 

...Yoko Ono has stated that she will never marry again or date.  She said she is quite content in an Onogamous relationship. 

Michael Moore, promoting his new film, “Capitalism: A Love Story” on The Larry King Show, declared capitalism a failure. Moore’s previous films have grossed $172,833,594.

Cleveland Cavaliers guard Delonte West was arrested after officers pulled him over for speeding on a motorcycle while carrying two loaded handguns and a loaded shotgun. The worst part is that with West arrested, the zombies he was hunting are still on the loose.

President Obama has gone on record that he does not believe that racial bias has fueled the heated rhetoric coming from conservatives since his inauguration. Which is a perfectly logical stance for him to take, if you ask me - because really...you don't think he WANTS to get shot, do you?

Actress Mackenzie Phillips reveals she had a long-term incestuous relationship with her famous father, musician John Phillips.

While she openly admits to that in her new book, she vehemently denies any responsibilty for his choice of hats.

...a former Radio City Music Hall Chorus Line dancer has fulfilled her lifelong dream of becomming a NASA engineer.  When asked how difficult making the transition was, she replied, "It was easy.  It's not exactly Rockette Science." 

Really bad news for Mets fans.