Boarding school was a culture shock for me. The only black people I saw were wearing a name tag or cleaning a toilet. When I went home my mom was like, “Do I look like a maid to you?” And I was like, “Yeah, Carolyn, now pick up that J. Crew turtleneck.”

The Hilton at the Dulles Airport was closed Saturday after 120 guests were sickened with a contagious disease. Meanwhile, Paris Hilton remains open.

When paparazzi catch white celebrities in illegal activities the stories and glossy color photos end up in Star and People. You rarely see black people in those magazines because we have our own paparazzi; the police. They rarely use film when they shoot.

Thai zookeepers are trying to get an overweight panda in the mood to procreate by giving him diet pills. The bear, Chuang Chuang, has ballooned to 330 pounds and is too fat to have sex with Lin Hui, his cell-mate, so he lays around the cage all day watching a specially mounted TV.

A spokesperson for the zoo summarized the situation by stating: “Our greatest fear has been realized; this panda bear has officially turned into an American.”

A Chicago couple that purchased a Microsoft Zune for their 12- year-old daughter found it contained an hour and 44 minutes of pornography. Disgusted with the product, the couple immediately exchanged the Zune for an I-pod, which can hold up to 75 hours of pornography.

Research found that two hours of less then strenuous activity, such as cleaning the house lowers the risk of bowel cancer. In response to this all men agreed and said, “That’s a risk we’re willing to take.”

TRENTON, N.J. (Jan. 15) - Another Miss USA tiara is changing heads.

Ashley Harder, Miss New Jersey USA, has resigned because she is pregnant, The Philadelphia Daily News reported in Monday's editions.

New York Times reporter John F. Burns told CNN's Wolf Blitzer Monday evening that Barzan Hassan's head "just snapped off," because he was apparently given too much rope and fell too far -- about eight feet -- for a man of his medium build and weight.

Barzan Hassan was a former chief of the secret police and Hussein's half-brother- well, now more like two-fifths.

Animal Planet is actually going to air Ocean's Deadliest - the documentary that "Crocodile Hunter" Steve Irwin was filming when a stingray stabbed him in the chest, killing him.

So tune in at 8pm EST Saturday to see the Hunter doing what he loved to the very end: annoying dangerous animals.