My wife, who has for years told me of my Attention Deficit Disorder, now says that one day I'll probably have Alzheimer's.

Impossible: For how can I Forget her SH!T, if I never paid attention to it in the 1st PLACE

Once, for the last fifteen minutes of my lunch break, I decided to stroll through Washington Square Park. As I was heading for the exit in the direction of 8th Street, I noticed a woman walking towards me. She looked very nicely put together - flip flops, jeans, tank top, handbag, the stylish sunglasses, the hair pulled back in a neat pony tail (credit my girlfriend for me noticing crap like that). She looked like she could've been from a Middle Eastern country, Saudi Arabia or Israel or somewhere thereabouts where people have that specific shade of eggshell skin tone...

But the thing that made this a Guy Moment would be embarrassing to admit, if it wasn't both amusing and fascinating as well.

It wasn't until after I noticed she had D-cup breasts that I realized that her left arm was missing from the elbow down.

Question: What's the difference between the War in Iraq and the Star Wars prequels?

Answer: One outlines the manipulation of a corrupt, complacent democracy using a manufactured war to facilitate the rise in power of an evil, oppressive empire...

...and the other has lightsabers.

Hideous future world of gloom will be quite comfortable

Democrats want to raise the minimum wage to $7.25 an hour. Explained Howard Dean, “It’s enough so the working man can put food on the table but not so much that he’ll start votin’ Republican.“

A New York man claims that soft tacos purchased at Taco Bell were laced with opiates. “I knew something was wrong when I felt good after eating my taco.”

Scientists announced Monday that they have developed a high-tech T-shirt that turns the strumming of an air guitar into music.

Fat, pimply nerds everywhere rejoice, and eagerly await science's next project: the realistic vagina-glove.

The Fox network plans to air an interview called "O.J. Simpson: If I Did It, Here's How It Happened," in which O.J. tells "how he would have committed" the murders of his ex-wife and her friend.   It will be followed by a special called, “Fox: If We Had No Class, Here’s What We’d Air.”

Canadian courts have given two Toronto college professors the right to smoke medical marijuana at school. Matthew McConaughey and Willie Nelson are enrolling in the PhD program.

To encourage their pandas to breed in captivity, a zoo in Thailand will play porn videos for the male bear. Members of Congress and top evangelical leaders have been asked to donate their collections.

U.S. intelligence officials believe Fidel Castro has terminal stomach, colon, or pancreatic cancer. In recent photos, Castro is seen wearing a warm-up jacket the CIA says is loose enough to hide a colostomy bag or weapons of mass destruction.

More than 700 people on a cruise ship have come down with a highly contagious gastrointestinal virus.  Kind of gives a whole new meaning to "poop deck."   

A Vatican summit led by Pope Benedict XVI has reaffirmed mandatory celibacy for priests.  And this time they really mean it.