According to a new report by the DHS, the x-ray machines that screen shoes do not detect explosives. Said Secretary Chernoff, "The most effective detector of explosives remains a plane in mid-flight."

Concept: Dan Naturman

Artwork: Kirill Bichutsky

Match the Google search from the top list with the correct number of search results from the bottom list.

1) "Tom Cruise is Gay"
2) "Tina Yothers"
3) "Mr. Roper"
4) "Mr. Roper" & "Puff Daddy"
5) "Smelly Vagina"
6) "Smelly Vagina" & "Mrs. Roper"
7) "Richard Gere" & Gerbil

a) 83,900
b) 0
c) 16,800
d) 11,400
e) 12
f) 59,500
g) 1,050,000
h) 32,400
i) 741

*Search results as of August 15, 2006, 6:40 EDT

Answers: 1)c 2)a 3)f 4)e 5)d 6)b 7)h

"T-Rac," the Tennessee Titans' raccoon-like mascot, hit Saints quarterback Adrian McPherson with a golf cart as he walked onto the field for the second half Saturday night's game, bruising him and knocking him out of New Orleans' 19-16 victory in the teams' exhibition opener.

In response, New Orleans' mascot "Gumbo" loaded his t-shirt cannon with live ammunition and blasted the Titans' sideline repeatedly until sheriff's deputies subdued the rogue spirit-lifter.

Gumbo in happier times...

According to the New York Times, some are conjecturing that steroids may have infiltrated the world of golf.

Judging by Masters champion Phil Mickelson's physique, it's more likely he's experimenting with some sort of estrogen regime.

Country music star Troy Lee Gentry was indicted for killing a tame black bear with a bow and arrow in an enclosed pen. The bear's death was videotaped, and the tape later edited so Gentry appeared to shoot the animal in a "fair chase" hunting situation.

Gentry maintained that it was self-defense, as the bear's tongue was extremely rough on his face.

Gentry, seen performing recently with his foot on a squirrel's neck

Dell has announced a recall of many of its notebook batteries due to the risk of fire and explosion. Frighteningly, these laptops will be allowed on planes while the sports drinks that many Dell customers use to douse the conflagrations will not.

 PHOENIX - Puzzled U.S. border police arrested a Mexican smuggler with 88 pounds of cheese hidden in a special compartment in his truck.....Just hours before the cheese was to reach it's final destination, Jay Leno's monologue.

 An East Berlin family is facing eviction for their loud, nightly prayers. Pierre, the father of the Christian clan, said, "I don't want to disturb the neighbors, but you need high volume to battle the devil." To which his neighbors replied, "We don't care about the prayers, but do they have to play Creed all night long."

When asked for comment on the loud prayers, God replied, "I'd love to answer them, I just don't speak German."

A new drug, Varenicline, helps diminish the craving for nicotine.

If it sells a lot, a newer drug, Vareniclinicline, will be released which will help diminish the craving for the first drug.

(That drug will also come with me punching someone.)