The world famous gay penguins at the San Francisco zoo have broken up when it was discovered one of the penguins had gone straight.

The errant penguin has been renamed, Anne Heche.

Kim Jong Il has cancer. He will be succeeded by his oldest son, Kim Jong Healthy.

I knew I got too fat and ugly when I bought a suit from the Men’s Warehouse and they would not guarantee I’d like the way I would look.

She was heard saying "I'm just no longer doing what I was doing before and not taking on any of those responsibilities any longer to make things easier in my life which might sound like quitting but it's really like taking a long vacation that you just kind of never come back from or like breaking up with someone who you never really officially call or talk about breaking up but you both just know that your no longer dating so it's not really quitting you know what I mean?"

NOPE.

...convicted swindler Bernie Madoff asked a federal judge to send him to a prison that is near his friends & family.  The judge approved the request and has sent Madoff to the Federal Correctional Facility in Hell.

Judge Sonia Sotomayor has boldly proclaimed that sangria will always taste better than a white wine. 

Ever apparant that Obama has never had a catch with his father, I figured out why he comes off as an arrogant pain in the ass.  He was the last kid picked in pick up games in Hawaii.  "Ok, you guys get Barack"...."We don't want Barack, he throws like a girl.  We'll trade you for the kid with one eye and leg braces." 

The Elephant Man called Joe Jackson today . He wanted to know if Michael's remains were still for sale ? 

CNN has posted a list of the top 25 places to find a job.   Cities on the list include: Goldcamp, Arizona, Pecan Grove, Texas, McDonough, Georgia and Wasilla, Arkansas.  Coincidentally, these cities are also listed on the top ten cities that no one has ever heard of or wants to live in.  

 Lance Armstrong, despite having battled testicular cancer, is on the verge of regaining the Yellow Jersey in the Tour De France.  He, after ending a 3 1/2 year retirement, is poised to win for the eighth time.  Word is he is in negotiations to sign a book deal with a major publisher after retiring, from cycling, for good.  The memoir “Having A Ball And Winning Too” promises to be an inspiration to all.

This is a “can’t wait for” read from the man who is to bicycle racing what John Henry was to horse racing: A MOST SUCCESSFUL GELDING!

2 Uyghurs, a minority Chinese Muslim group, were killed by the police outside of Beijing last week in a recent series of violent attacks against the group.  A spokesperson for the group noted they should not be discriminated against by Chinese authority as if they were some radical terrorist group such as students or supporters of human rights.