Miley Cyrus performed a suggestive pole dance atop an ice cream cart during last night's Teen Choice Awards.  It was her answer to "What would you do for a Klondike Bar?" 

Louisville men's basketball coach Rick Pitino admits he got drunk, had sex, and later paid for the abortion of a woman now accused of trying to extort $10 million dollars from him. In other words, preparing his players for the NBA.

www.jerrywolski.com

Lynette Squeaky Fromme was released from prison earlier today, and

was immediately signed by the Philadelphia eagles!

...Pepsi Cola Company will begin distributing a new soft drink that contains Viagra.  The new drink will be called "Mount and Do." 

An obese inmate in Texas was charged after jail officials learned that the 500-pound man had a gun hidden in his rolls of fat.

The inmate will be executed by treadmill.

I am fairly certain that my doctor is not a fan of Obama's health care reform because his newly remodeled waiting room is covered in Death Paneling.

General Motors claims its new electric car the Chevrolet Volt can get up to 230 mpg in city driving. Unfortunately, in order to do so the car must first be plugged into the back of a city bus.

www.jerrywolski.com

A 74-year-old woman who for years fed wild bears on her Colorado property has been killed by one. According to her husband, "She never was a good cook."

www.jerrywolski.com

Sonia Sotomayor watched her confirmation vote at a federal courthouse in New York City with friends and colleagues. Her publicist released this photo: 

http://rinemania.com/

The Utah newspaper rejected a paid wedding annoucement for Tyler Barrick and Spencer Jones.  However, the same newspaper last week ran a wedding announcement for John Smith and Mary Miller and Sharon Coste and Barbara Peters.   

David Ortiz said he wound up on the list of drug users as a result of over-the-counter vitamins. And because of Dunkin Donuts' new HGH crullers.