The death penalty is getting harder to enforce because doctors are refusing to oversee lethal injections. Said one doctor, "Killing people on purpose just looks bad on the resume."

Partial list of suspects in recent foiled plot to blow up Continental, United and American Airlines aircraft in mid-flight:

Abdula Ahmed Ali
Shazad Khuram Ali
Nabeel Hussain
Umar Islam
Waseem Kayani
Assan Abdullah Khan
Waheed Arafat Khan
Shamin Mohammed Uddin
Waheed Zaman
Amin Asmin Tariq

Partial list of passengers randomly searched on a recent American Airlines flight out of General Edward L. Logan International Airport in Boston:

Mildred E. Sullivan
Brittany Amber Carlton
Keishi Matsamura
Hampton R. Hughes Jr.
Shari Elizabeth Cohen
Anthony Scatturcio
Sir Lesley Ian Woodward
Leanne Honeychurch
Father Thomas Mulhern
Edward L. Logan III

"He made us run more gassers than the infidel players," said third-year defensive back Salim Cooper.

Intelligence officials say that terrorists had planned to sneak explosives aboard airplanes inside an energy drink and activate them with an MP3 player. Said one analyst, "We never should've given Pakistan the rights to syndicate 'MacGyver.'"

In the wake of the foiled terrorist plot to blow up aircraft bound for the U.S. and London, airlines are expecting significant delays and cancellations.

Fortunately, these airline delays will have no impact on Dustin Diamond's comedy tour.

Paris Hilton had to go to the emergency room on Tuesday for a tetanus shot after being bitten by Baby Luv, her pet kinkajou. It's like Mel Gibson always says, "Kinkajous are responsible for all the tetanus in the world."

LONDON -- Patrick Swayze has joined several of Mel Gibson's celebrity friends in defending the actor saying "Gibson is a wonderful human being, he is not anti-Semitic and neither am I, seriously, I mean I danced with Jennifer Grey for Jesus Christ's sake...and it was before she had the surgury to get rid of her Jew nose."

Melanie Griffith is taking heat for blowing smoke with her teenage offspring. Last week outside a Beverly Hills boutique, paparazzi snapped the actress, 48, cigarette dangling from her lips, lighting a nicotine stick for a young woman identified as her 16-year-old daughter, Dakota (dad is Don Johnson)........

I mean what is the big deal.  Smoking cigarettes is cool, we all know that and this is just the beginning of her cool training.  Her dad is Don Johnson for goodness sake.  She has a lot of work to do, to live up to that amount of coolness.  Next on the to-do list of cool.....rolling up your jacket sleeves to use a hand gun and singing duets with Barbra Streisand.....Get cracking Dakota!!