Congressional Democratic leaders have announced that they will be holding symbolic votes on Bush’s plan to increase troop levels. Democrat leaders state that the votes will not actually change the nation’s policy: “You know, just like the rest of our votes.”

A man in Hancock, Michigan was going through boxes in his attic yesterday, and discovered a library book that he checked out on June 2, 1960.

Robert Nuranen promptly returned "Prince of Egypt" to his local library, and when faced with a 47-year-old late fee, asked if they could break a twenty.

Rapper 50 Cent is preparing to release his own brand of condoms.

Insiders expect high sales even in light of reports that each condom will have nine holes in them.

US forces invaded an Iranian office in Iraq, further confusing Americans who can't tell the difference between the two countries.

An unidentified odor is attacking New York.  Through the smog and urine a new aroma somehow seeped into the city.

Scientists call it "fresh air."

The AP reported that Minnesota Congressman Keith Ellison chose to use Thomas Jefferson’s Koran “because it showed that a visionary like Jefferson believed that wisdom could be gleaned from many sources.”

Of course, had Ellison lived when Jefferson did, Jefferson would have owned him.

Meanwhile, all that stuff about Muslims being the new black man doesn't make any sense to me. If Muslims are the new black man, why are so many black men, like Ellison, converting to Islam? Because they don’t feel black enough? Because they want to get in on the Muslims’ lucrative African slave trade?

Regardless, it’s nice to see Ellison respecting the founding father. After all, Jefferson may very well be his great-great grandfather.

An Air Force staff sergeant who posed nude for Playboy magazine has been relieved of her duties while the military investigates.

Meanwhile, 21,500 other troops will be exposed over the next year.

Former reliever Goose Gossage was not voted into the Baseball Hall of Fame.

So Tony Gwynn ate him.

(*This joke is now a part of the National Lampoon Sports Minute)

My son just turned 10 last month and is aware I’d been writing a lot of jokes lately.  I read him a couple last night.  (Don’t call the Feds; I stuck to G-rated material.  The kid still occasionally believes that Dreamworks characters talk when humans aren’t around.)  Anyway, tonight I had a feeling he was turning the tables on me and was winding up to try a joke out.  I expected knock-knock or something of the caliber of “No soap.... Radio!”  Instead he said, “What shape is the hole of a donut?”  I took the bait and slowly replied, “I don’t know.  What shape is the hole of a donut.”  He answered, “O hole.” 

He went straight from diapers to R-rated punchlines?  Only one person in this family is allowed to write original material. Your mom!  Got that?