It was reported that Paris Hilton failed a field sobriety test.

I'm not sure why.  (Not why it happened, but why it was reported.)
Wouldn't it be much more newsworthy if Paris Hilton passed any kind of test?

Unless you look at it from the perspective that this test came up negative for her.

INS: "He'll have to run across the Mexican border like everyone else."

NEW YORK - Rapper 50 Cent was arrested in Manhattan on Friday for making an unsafe lane change, driving with an expired permit, driving without insurance and driving without a vehicle registration.

He was let go after a friend showed up with proof that 50 Cent owned the vehicle.... A gold plated, diamond encrusted vehicle registration that was attached to the large bottom of an African American woman, named "shorty", wearing a thong bikini,  who happened to be celebrating her birthday at the time....Ya feel me?

***Answer posted separately on my stage.

Brad Pitt has told "Esquire" magazine he will not wed until every American is legally able to get married. Hypocritically, Pitt will continue to have sex with Angelina Jolie even though banging a hot movie star is an option still unavailable to most of our citizens.

 WASHINGTON - according to a Senate report issued Friday on prewar intelligence, there’s no evidence Saddam Hussein had ties with al-Qaida.....

The Senates next task.....See if there is evidence showing any real ties between Steven, Elyse, Alex P., Mallory, Jennifer and Andrew Keaton

To lower tally, military only counting death by lightning, stingray.

In a first for Ford, the struggling automaker has hired a new CEO with no experience running a car company—former Boeing executive, Alan Mulally.

Analysts predict if Mulally’s tenure at Ford is anything like its cars, he’ll run fine for six months then break down repeatedly, and finally be replaced by someone foreign.

When asked to comment on the paparazzi's stalking of his daughter, Lionel Ritchie said, "I live with the constant fear that Nicole is going to become the next Princess Diana."

One man’s constant fear is everyone else’s perennial hope.

According to what was described by USC as a groundbreaking study, Dr. Drew Pinsky has determined that celebrities are more narcissistic than the general population, and people with narcissistic tendencies seem to be attracted to the entertainment industry.

For his next groundbreaking study, Dr. Drew will attempt to prove his thesis that fat people weigh more than skinny people.

About Dr. Drew Pinsky:
A medical doctor, board-certified addictionologist and relationship expert whose experience spans over 20 years. When not hosting his own radio and television programs, he can often be found gazing into his own reflection in the backyard pool of his hollywood home.

A severely brain-damaged woman in an unresponsive, vegetative state showed clear signs on brain imaging tests that she was aware of herself and her surroundings, researchers reported today.

When they are done studying Jessica Simpson, the researchers plan to study Anna Nicole Smith, Keith Richards and the mysterious consciousness of Paris Hilton.