The Force Trainer is a new toy that allows players to use their brain waves to move a ball inside a plastic tube.   Today, George Bush returned the toy, claiming it did not work. 

My friend just bought a High Def TV...

I thought High Definition was smoking weed and reading the dictionary. 

Former American Gladiators star Nitro has admitted to using steroids while he was on the show in the early 90's. In related news, scientists have discovered that water is wet and chocolate is delicious.

After leaving office, Dick Cheney is planning a fishing vacation to the Snake River. Instead of using bait, Cheney catches fish by shooting them in the face.

A man in Wisconsin was accused of faking heart attacks to avoid paying bills in restaurants and cabs.

His lawyer will defend him by siting precedent with the case of the People vs Fred Sanford.

Police said he had a previous record for robbing a Starbucks and a DMV. 

Australian police are searching for a man who is breaking into sex shops and having sex with blow-up dolls.

In his defense, they didn't say no. 

My sister said that i was an alcoholic. Thats when i had to explain to her the difference between myself and an alcoholic.

An alcoholic is somebody who abuses alcohol. I love this stuff to much to do that

According to a report issued by the Deprtment of Education, 32 million US adults are functionally illiterate.  A spokesperson for George Bush said the President has received the report, but he is waiting for an aide to read it to him.

The rest of the family is STAYING ALIVE.