...a man who had sex with a horse was sentenced to 3 years in prison.  Man denied doing anything wrong and insists that he and the horse had a stable relationship. 

2009 has been a big year for us.  We made history this year!  Got a new President... out with the Bush, in with the Fro!  President Obama declared 2009 the year of Change, but a lot of people believe we haven't seen that change.  I beg to differ.  I'm proud to say that after years of discrimination and fighting that FINALLY Taco Bell has offered us a Black Taco!  

President Obama gave the trick-or-treaters a choice of treats:  M & M's, dried fruit, or the public option.  

 New York City will celebrate the Yankees' 27th World Series title with a celebration parade today.  Parade confetti will consist of ticker tape, newspaper, and shredded Mets' season tickets.  

   After 2-packs-a-day for more years than I care to remember, I finally swore off cigarettes.

   One week later, I was startled when this stranger at a bus-stop asked me if I had recently given up smoking.

   "That's right," I replied.  "How did you know?"

   "Got a notion," he explained, smiling, "when you ground out your gum wrapper with your shoe." 

I wanna get a dog and name it "Stains."  That way, it's appropriate for me to go the park and yell out "Come Stains!"  

It takes years and YEARS for drugs to be approved for human use.  Yet, in like 20 days of the arrival of the Swine Flu they had already created the Swine Flu Shot.  Granted the shot has killed like 19 people.  But what if it DID cure you of Swine Flu, but also mutated you due to their speedy process?  Like, "Doctor, I AM feeling better now but, I'm a TALKING F*ckin' Turtle, What am I supposed to do now?  I don't even know Karate!"   

Kirstie Alley will be rewarded with yet another reality show, for 2010.  She's almost there; she weighed in today at 2007 and 3/4.

A three-night stay at the space hotel will cost $4.4 million.  Add a Snickers from the minibar and we're talking close to $5 million.

Stereotypes can put you in some awkward situations.  Like the other week I was out of town and getting hungry.  I didn't really know where any restaurants were, but I saw this black guy walking down the street and pulled over.  I said, "Excuse me sir, but could you tell me where the KFC is at?"  And he responded, "TYPICAL WHITE AMERICA, askin' the Black Man where the Chicken be at....  So you ASSUME because I'm a brother, that I know where the KFC's at?"  And I said, "NO Sir, you've got this ALL wrong.  I ASSUMED, since you were wearing the uniform that you could tell me how to get there!"  

...i was offered a job recently at a radio station.  The human resources director said the job paid $8 an hour now, and would pay $12 an hour in 90 days.  When i was asked when i could start, I said "How about in 90 days?"